Blog posts

Standstill 8-4-’24

Wow!! I just started rereading some of my posts and other things and realized it’s been almost 3 years since I last posted here…. I’m sorry. Not just for you, my loyal readers, but also for myself. It’s not good. But then again, things haven’t been that good. This means I could have actually benefited greatly from an outlet…, but shit got fucked up, to put it bluntly.

A setback with my health benefits (getting none from October ’21), realizing my friend and I had been misinformed, which meant leaving the country for an undetermined amount of time at first and coming back on a tourist visa after 3 months, and, while we were actually setting up some great projects for me surrounding my makeup and design skills, we found out we were, most likely, blacklisted…. It’s a long story, but it meant I had 1 week to figure out where to go and sell my life, basically. Since my savings were invested into our, supposed, long-term solution, I had no other choice than to move to Cambodia.

Leaving behind those awesome, but location-dependent, projects, and just working as a chat moderator/operator. The job is taxing, and soul-sucking at times, and I have to put in a lot of hours to get an okay salary. So, not a lot of time left in my days any longer, besides just being in complete shock for about the entire first year and a half here.

I was just trying to cope, to survive, it was unbelievable that I had had to leave my home in Hoi An. And I just didn’t have any strength left, I was tired of being strong. I couldn’t even think the phrase “Apparently the universe wants me here for a reason”. To be completely honest with you, even though I know it’s true, it still feels weird and very loaded saying it.

Cambodia has a lot of great things going for it but, because of its fairly recent history, there are also some negatives, one of them being the energy that still lingers here from the Khmer Rouge era. And that hit me hard, of course. And the town also seems to attract a lot of troubled people. (don’t worry, there are also some great people here. You know who you are when you read this) So, is that it? Am I here to transmute some of that energy? To help some of these people? Sounds great, but please, give me a break so I can actually get myself together again. Thank you! Haha.

I know I wasn’t quite on my game in Hoi An, but I was getting my shit together and…plot twist! Like, seriously? This makes me think of an earlier, albeit more traumatic plot twist back in 2017… Finally starting to live my life and coming too close for comfort of losing it altogether. I was finally going to do something with my talents, be creative, and make a living with it. Not playing small and doubting myself, you’d think the universe would have been pleased with that, right?

And now, I just feel so….the word that came to mind just now with tears welling up in my eyes: defeated… Don’t worry, I’m keeping my head up as usual, but this is so frustrating. I feel like I can’t get a break. And with the freaking energetic shit going on at the moment with Mercury retrograde during the eclipse season, I can feel I’m not myself, I know I’m doing stupid shit, but I just can’t seem to help myself…
Anyway, I hope this is the start of a turnaround in my life. Even writing this on the day of the solar eclipse during the new moon seems like great timing to me.

Here’s to a new start! By the way, I just wrote this straight on the page, I’m aware it’s a bit of a rant, but it’s a start, right? Please keep in touch here and/or follow me on FB and/or IG. I love to hear from you guys, and you can always reach out to me with questions or request a topic for me to write about.


I love and appreciate you all!

School of Life 27-7-’21

We went into our most strict lockdown so far in Hoi An as of midnight on Sunday, areas with F0 cases have been cordoned off… And I got hit hard by the energies of the collective, even worse than the first time around. Fortunately, I recognized it wasn’t mine from the get-go, but it still needed my attention. So yesterday was all about clearing those energies through guided meditation (grounding & releasing), showers, and lots of water & herbal iced tea.

Today, I was going to do some grocery shopping, but while I was going through my own Instafeed from the past 2 years to get some inspiration from my former self, I started to feel like I needed to write. I can hear you think: “You’re writing a book, how’s that going?”. Well, for now, it seems like it’s on hold. As I’ve told you, I was using a different method of writing, one where you start by writing the back flap, and I got stuck… I do know what I’m going to write about, just not how, and I kept hearing this voice telling me it’s too soon, I wasn’t ready yet. At first, I thought it was my ego, dismissed it as coming from my limiting beliefs, my programming, but I’ve since then gotten confirmation that I need to walk in some more pairs of shoes before writing it, and that definitely wasn’t my ego telling me that.

I received some other information as well, about my path, very cryptic of course… And yes, it’s frustrating, still not getting more clarity on which direction I should head… Jack of all trades, master of none, that’s me alright… But what the info, and the inspiration I got from my Instafeed did show me, was the message behind the message, the opportunity in the challenge, the lesson waiting to be learned. A lesson I have a lot of trouble with, and I know a lot of you do too. So yeah, it has come up many a time before and will keep coming up until I master it. Again, that can be labeled as frustrating, but I just need to remind myself (and the same goes for you :)), I came here to learn, grow & improve, and make a difference, inspire & help others. So, let’s flip the script (again), and label it as a treasure hunt, a great adventure!

Let’s remember what it was like when we were kids, excited about figuring out ways to overcome the obstacles on our path, curious about what would be around the corner, and all the time filled with wonder for everything we’d find along the way. The shapes of the leaves & stones, the actions & behaviors of the critters & creatures we encountered. Let’s fully open up again to the beauty of life. For no matter how messy it can become, there’s always beauty to be found. And when we notice it, truly see it, we are filled with joy, and that joy will be our sustenance on this treasure hunt.

Something else we need to remind ourselves is that as kids we lost all sense of time, we became engrossed in whatever we came across on our adventures, we rested when we needed because we were in the moment. Sure we had a goal, but the path to get there was a treasure in its own right. We didn’t set expectations or deadlines, we’d get there when we’d get there. We wouldn’t berate ourselves for not being able to climb a hill or jump a stream that was in our way. We’d just find a way around it, or someone or something to help us across. And if we couldn’t think of a solution straight away, we’d just sit there or played… and the answer would come… Damn, there’s so much I can learn from my younger self!!! So much buried underneath layers & layers of programming & conditioning.

The message I got was basically to chill the fuck out. And I know most of you see me as a pretty chill person, and I am, but I’m also a person who’s very critical of herself. A person who would say she didn’t do anything yesterday and feel ashamed… But I did (and even if I didn’t I shouldn’t(feel ashamed)). Clearing that energy wasn’t nothing ( let alone carrying it…), and I cooked my meal from scratch, made my own herbal iced tea concoction, cleaned up after myself, checked in with a friend, and asked her to put me in touch with someone who might have a nice & more affordable apartment available to give me some more financial breathing room, I read for a couple of hours, did my morning stretching, and my mind is rarely still… Usually busy analyzing, planning, structuring, trying new perspectives…even if I physically do nothing whatsoever, I can still be busy.

Yup, still busy doing instead of being and measuring my worth by it… As a new soul, so as a young kid, you know you’re enough, you are worthy of all the abundance life has to offer. But our human experience places conditions upon it, limitations. None are real, but they fuck us over royally nonetheless. Because we start to believe, we EXperience it. We lose touch with our inner truth (our INsperience). Btw, when I said they fuck us over, that was my human talking…:) That’s the thing, we are souls having a human experience, attending the school of life. Life can be, will be messy because of this. We are source energy, we are enough, we are worthy, but we are also still having a human experience and will have to find a way to integrate the INsperience with the EXperience to make this world a better place.

Not sure if I’m still making sense here, my mind tends to take scenic routes :p When I went to get my notebook, I thought I would start by writing about my physical transformation, actually. Haha! I was going to post some pictures, all real, no filters, but some taken from more “favorable” angles & from more ‘favorable” positions, and others baring all, showing exactly those things we all constantly try to hide… Stretch marks, varicose veins, loose skin… Just to make a point. That everything changes with your point of view. And that everything is BOTH/AND. And let’s add acceptance as a theme here, because it definitely is for me.

March 2019 I weighed in at 110kg/242.5lbs, when I arrived here in Hoi An I’d come down to about 82kg/180.8lbs, and since about 6 months I’ve settled on 75kg/165.4lbs. I can’t even remember the last time I weighed this little…I guess it was in my early teens, I know I did the back & forth with the first 2 more times than I care to recall… Cause for celebration? Yes! But because I’ve done this trick too many times, and because I’m north of 40 now, my skin isn’t in the partying mood any longer, it’s exhausted. Now, instead of having rolls of fat I want to hide, I have too much skin, that creases & droops, and looks generally sad…

And it’s so ironic because as I was starting out on this last weightloss journey, I was getting ready to just be unapologetically me, and you’d think losing all this weight would have made that a hell of a lot easier, but SURPRISE SURPRISE, I still have the skin that was able to hold it all! Fortunately for me & all whom I inspire, my common sense, my essence, or one of my guides (?) sometimes takes over and shouts: “FUCK IT!!! YOU LOOK AMAZING IN THAT CHAMPAGNE-COLORED, SEQUINSED PLAYSUIT (SHORT JUMPSUIT), AND IF PEOPLE DON’T LIKE THE SIGHT OF FLABBY INNER THIGHS OR SKIN CREASES ON THE BACK OF THEM, THEY CAN LOOK THE OTHER WAY!!!!” Oh, pro tip: if you don’t want to have reality thrown in your face when planking, wear tight clothes that cover all the “problem’ areas, or don’t plank facing a mirror, look down at your body when just wearing short shorts & a sports bra… ;p

Seriously though, none of it matters. What matters is, we are all enough, worthy of the best life has to offer. Let’s practice acceptance. It doesn’t matter whether we reached our goal weight or not. It doesn’t matter that if you reached it, or have given birth, your skin looks like a stretched-out unitard. It doesn’t matter that your busy isn’t the same as someone else’s busy. It doesn’t matter there are many, many things you’re not good at. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE WORTHY, JUST BY BEING YOU!! You are a beautiful soul in a human body. Also, where you see “ugly” when you look at yourself in the mirror, most will only notice the beauty. While you yourself get hung up on all the things you are not good at, others are in awe, even envious, of all the things you are good at! So accept all your “shortcomings”. They exist because of your strengths (and love the hell out of those!). There is no day without night…we can’t appreciate pleasure if we haven’t known pain… You get my drift 🙂

I guess what I’m trying to say; as much to myself as ton all of you out there, remember what you were like when you were a young child, try to regain that perspective, that mindset of innocence, curiosity, wonder, timelessness. Accept things as they are because for every bad there’s a good on the flip side, find it. Try to have a sense of humor about life, it will be so much easier if you don’t take yourself or life too seriously. And above all: know that you’re enough, you are worthy of all the abundance life has to offer, just because you are!

(Later in bed…

Another thing that has been made clear to me, is that I’m other, I dance to the beat of a different drum. And while I can see that might be an honor, it’s definitely a challenge. Because, just like all human beings, I would like to be seen, heard, and understood for who I really am, truly connect, share my dance with somebody… But how am I supposed to achieve that when I can’t really make out the rhythm, when I’m still trying to figure out who I am when who I am is in constant flux? All I can say is: I am Renate, I am Reborn, every moment a new me…

No, I wasn’t drunk…sleep drunk maybe 🙂 )

Love you!

Let’s Talk About Sex 28-6-’21

I feel like I need to write about this. But, to be honest my mind has been a whirlpool of thoughts for weeks, months even… And not just my mind, my gut/emotions too. And I’m trying to go with the flow, trusting I’ll be able to keep my head above water. Anyway, I’ve had sex on my mind quite often lately. No surprise, I can hear you think ;). So maybe I should clarify, not just sex but sexuality, sexual identity, and the integration of it into our being, our daily lives. And, although it does make me wonder about your thoughts & experiences, mostly my own issues with it.

Yes, I have issues with my sexuality. I know a lot of you see me as this sexpot, glamazon, sex bomb, someone who’s very much in touch with her femininity, sexual identity and isn’t afraid to express it and take care of her sexual needs, and confidently does so. Yes and NO… It’s complicated, a paradox, a fucking Pandora’s box I’ve been peeking into, only to become more and more confused in the process.

• I was sexually abused by my father
• I had already started maturing (growing breasts, hips) at age 7
• I’ve been sexualized by men ever since
• At 10 I was as tall as I am now with a DD/E cup and an ass to match…

But also:

• I’ve been going to saunas since I was 5 years old
• My mum gave me a very detailed book on puberty & sexuality at age 7 (when we found out that, what she thought was stubborn baby fat, was in fact breast growth…)
• The Netherlands were still very liberal/openminded when it came to sexuality at the time and tv shows about sex were ‘normal’ and very informative

So yes, I enjoy sex very much. And yes, I love it when a man gets turned on by me (especially when the feeling’s mutual, of course) without me even putting an effort in…it’s great to feel desired. But, I get conflicted…it’s both my armor and my kryptonite…I am a sexual, sensual, vibrant & intense being, but it has a shadow, a big one. I am so much more than that, even though that’s what the focus has been on for most people for most of my life. I’m Jolene, I’m dangerous, I’m intimidating, I’m the girl that has a mouth that’s made for blowjobs, I’m the girl with the eyes that are begging for semen (my stepfather was one of the people who told me this)…according to others, that is.

It is not sexuality that haunts society but society that haunts sexuality.

Maurice Gaudelier (paraphrased)

Shit gets really fucked up when you combine this with a mum who’s a prime example of a codepent personality… I’ve been getting my validation by supporting & nurturing men, using my sexuality as some deluded way to feel empowered… I’m the girl that never had an issue having sex on a first date (sometimes I waited until the second ;)), using the excuse that sexual compatibility was important, so you might as well find out straight away… And it is, but what I really crave is true intimacy, intimacy of mind, body & soul. And, lets face it, that’s not gonna happen when you spend most of the time screwing each other’s brains out.

And what I’m facing up to right now, is that, even though I do crave true intimacy, I was scared shitless of doing my part in achieving that. Allowing myself to be truly vulnerable. And when I finally did, I got burned to a crisp. Which made me revert back to my old ways. In this case, consciously going for ‘the unrequited lover’-type, the guys of which I knew weren’t going to last long, because I knew there would be a lesson in it for me (and them). Which was true, and valuable, but also kinda cowardly… Not that the breakups didn’t hurt at all, they did. Cause, even though I was armed with knowing it wasn’t going to last, I feel my feels, deeply, all of them…

Shaking my head with a chuckle here. I guess what I’m really trying to figure out right now, is how to love myself completely while I’m still in the process of discovering who that is? Which traits are at the core of me, part of my essence? Which traits are learned behavior and need to be shed? The answer of course is, love it all, as is, and for all it can become. Shadows need light, dragons need hugs… I should own my sexuality because I do feel like it’s part of who I am, I just need to shine enough light on the shadow part of it so I can let it go. I am who/what I am, not who/what other people perceive me to be. But I also need to realize that I am partly responsible for how people perceive me. If I keep hiding parts of me in the shadows, how can I expect people to see all of me…see that this sex dragon really needs a loving hug.

And since you teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself…I’ll be over here hugging myself for a while 😉 Hope my ramblings made some kind of sense to you. Like I said at the start of this, my mind and emotions are a bit of a whirlpool…

Love & hugs!

Sharing My Struggles 13-6-’21

Surprise, surprise! I’m back! It’s only been 2,5 weeks this time. But with good reason. As I wrote in the post that prompted my previous musings, I’m actually making an effort to write a book about my life, my struggles. So sharing my struggles about sharing my struggles seems like the right thing to do. 😉

First of all, I want to let you know that it’s been an intense time for me. The eclipse certainly had an effect on me, and what I forgot to mention was, that Mercury was going into retrograde as well… Boy oh boy!! I’m definitely feeling it, it’s challenging me to hug some dragons, if you know what I mean, deep dive into my shadow parts and show them love… Thanks to the universe, I came across a video on the Mercury retrograde in Gemini by Colette Baron-Reid & Robert Ohotto, and I am sooo friggin’ grateful that I did. I really resonated with the way Robert explained what was going on, he’s extremely down to earth for an astrologer, has a kind of technical approach, no bullshit, just real talk. One thing he said was that this retrograde was about learning to see all the colors, all of the different shades of everything in our lives, and about us needing to adopt a BOTH/AND mentality, instead of the EITHER/OR most of us have. And yes, we are all BOTH light AND dark, BOTH a masterpiece AND a work in progress, BOTH teacher AND student. You guessed it, I went down another rabbit hole… 😀 Anyway, for anybody who’s skeptical about astrology, check him out!

After my inevitable breakdown, I felt I needed to just get going already. So, I went back to work on my book and realized I should involve my audience in the process, I came up with a title and possible subtitles and shared them on my socials to get some feedback. Funny thing is, that some people congratulated me, probably thinking I’d already written it and just needed to settle on a title…but that’s not the case. I’m doing something called reverse writing, I’m starting on the back flap, followed by the cover, making an outline, then write/ gather the actual content, and lastly, editing, formatting & proofreading. Thing is, I started writing this book so many times before but I never got past a couple of pages because there’s so much to write about that it overwhelmed me and I didn’t know how to structure it.

And I know I need structure. I need BOTH structure AND to honor my creative cycles 😉 But, back to the titles…I need to BOTH stay true to my voice AND listen to my audience. I’ll share the options and votes with you now:

1. REBORN Healing family trauma by being true to my name 0 votes
2. REBORN No mud, no lotus 5 votes
3. REBORN The caterpillar has to be brave for the butterfly to be born 0 votes
4. REBORN The caterpillar has to die for the butterfly to be born 1 vote
5. REBORN Triumph over trauma 26 votes
6. REBORN The treasures I found in the wrecks of my trauma 5 votes
7. REBORN Trauma became my teacher 7 votes
8. REBORN My teacher named trauma 3 votes
9. REBORN The tug-of-war between my wounded ego and my stubbornly strong soul 1 vote

Some other feedback I got was that a lot of the subtitles were too long, so a shorter variation might work better. For number 6, it could be something like Treasure from trauma. There were also at least 5 people who said they would prefer no subtitle at all, so just REBORN. I haven’t made a decision yet, but let me explain why I don’t just go for the clear “winner”. Although I absolutely get why this was the favorite, it feels like I’m saying I found the answer, the quick fix, and we all know I didn’t ;), there simply are none, they don’t call it “the school of life” for nothing after all… But, as a dear friend pointed out, I am triumphing over trauma by not letting it destroy me, and when people turn to the back flap, they will get a clearer picture of what the book is about. Anyway, I’ll just sit with it, and I might come back to you with new options. I do really want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, I really appreciate your thoughts, opinions & words of encouragement!

As I have told you before, it’s not easy for me to put a spotlight on myself, one of the lessons I’m learning is that by shining my light & speaking my truth, I inspire others to do the same, I’m BOTH acknowledging my own worth AND empowering others to do the same, that’s the goal at least. Again, thank all of you beautiful souls out there for supporting me and encouraging me to step into the flames despite my fears and insecurities, for reminding me that these vulnerabilities are what makes me strong and that withholding my hard-earned wisdom & insight would mean betraying myself, my soul’s mission, and a disservice to humanity.

I hope to speak to you soon, and maybe ask your opinion on possible back flaps, stay tuned!

Lots of love!

Synchronicity 25-5-’21

This is what I posted on social media yesterday. It kind of “just happened”, I didn’t plan to write anything, but there it was…And I guess it opened something up, or at least the message was approved by the universe ;), because when I went to the beach later to escape the scorching sun hitting my beautiful balcony (I moved into an apartment very close to the beach a month and a half ago) I ran into some friends I hadn’t seen for a while and as soon as we started talking I heard a whisper inside my head: “synchronicity”…

And it was. While opening up to these beautiful, spiritually open-minded souls, I realized something. I was telling them, that while it’s totally understandable that I got sidetracked, it was still frustrating because I was in such a great head & heart space when I arrived in Vietnam, so why was it so hard for me to regain that… I answered the question before I even asked it. I’d had so much time & space to work on my transformation, my spiritual growth, the shedding of layers of programming & conditioning. But because I didn’t guard my boundaries, didn’t take enough time to “hermit”, I got sidetracked, and it started taking me further & further from my path until I wasn’t even sure what my path was anymore…

I’d forgotten that the severe burnout & subsequently the cancer ordeal had basically forced me to take that time & space to figure out what my path was, what my purpose is…, and to guard my boundaries, at one point I couldn’t not guard them…it was a matter of life & death… And the thing I’m realizing is that I, and a lot of you out there, should always view it that way. And I’m not just talking about guarding your boundaries obviously, I’m talking about the importance of being true to yourself, living your truth, your purpose. When we do life flows, when we don’t shit flows into it ;). First, it’ll be shit we can walk around, jump over, but eventually, it’ll surround you, making it hard for you to function, it’ll make you ill, and finally (if you still haven’t made any changes) you’ll drown.

So, now I’m trying to regain my balance, trying to figure out how to shape my life, what I need to do and not do to live my best life, live my purpose. Fortunately, because of yesterday’s realization, I now know I can find a lot of answers in the way I lived my life in the 2 years prior to coming here. I need to limit the quantity of contact with “the outside world”, which will improve its quality because I’ll have more time & space to take care of my inner world.

As you can see in the post, I have been delving into my Human Design chart, and lately, I’ve also been diving into my birth chart, reading up on what the Houses in it represent, and all the information makes so much sense to me. It shed so much light on my past (and current) struggles. I apparently have an undefined Sacral center, which means I take on other people’s energy (and am not always able to differentiate between that and my own), and that I need a lot of time processing my energy/emotions and recharging my energy. It means I’m not made for a 9 to 5 (as I wrote in an earlier post, I think non of us really are, it’s a construct of our time, and our bodies & systems haven’t evolved in a way to be able to handle it), I’m not lazy, I really don’t function well like that. And intellectually I know this, I know, that when I honor my cycles I can get the same amount, or more shit done in less time…

Djeezz! There’s a prime example of conditioning for you! Qualifying my worth by how much I DO, how much I achieve… FUCK!!! Can we PLEASE collectively chuck it in the FUCK-IT-BUCKET?!?! Let’s try this again… I know, intellectually, that I make a difference by being me, more so when I honor my cycles, live my truth, live my purpose. Practice makes progress ;).

Another thing I, personally, want to chuck in the fuck-it-bucket, is materialism… Don’t get me wrong, I love buying beautiful things, eating at high-end restaurants, drinking quality wine, and I would love to get more of my designs made and set up my fashion business, and the gorgeous apartment I rent right now is definitely not cheap, but I don’t want it to take over my life if you know what I mean… I don’t want the wanting to have, wanting to get things to motivate my decision making, and quite probably get me off my path, again. The wanting to get distracts me from realizing what I already have (things, connections, experiences and my gifts, talents & essence alike) and what I’m surrounded by (I live in such a picturesque town, close to an amazing beach, etc.). It’s the lack mindset versus the abundance mindset…again ;).

Practice, practice, practice…purposeful practice! Because the only constant in life is change… Be like water, flow… Funny tidbit: I recently found out that the frog (highly associated with water, that’s why I thought of it now) is one of my spirit animals, and I’m not sure if I shared it here, but months ago a tree frog landed on my face when trying to escape one of my friend’s cats, and I’ve had one visiting me here in my new apartment a couple of times.

When the frog shows up frequently in your life, Spirit wants you to learn to grow from change, and not let yourself become intimidated by it. Frogs have a strong association with transition and the temporary, constantly evolving nature of our lives. They can show us to become open to what these changes will bring and connect with our emotions and feminine energy in order to stay in tune with our higher selves.

Animal guides such as frogs act as messengers delivering important messages from beyond, and frogs help us to cleanse old emotions and fear-based mentalities and allow us to embrace our true selves. The frog represents renewal and rebirth of the self, and complete metamorphosis. Frogs move quickly, and as such, show us to do the same and not get held back in the past or on emotions that no longer serve us.

And, since I’m being all witchy today: eclipse season is officially upon us, which means transformations and revelations are here again. The eclipse taking place this month — the total lunar eclipse in Sagittarius — is the first one of the year, so it may feel a bit intense, especially for mutable signs. Eclipses essentially mark a period of major change, and because Sagittarius revolves around communication and knowledge, the spiritual meaning of the May 2021 total lunar eclipse (aka blood moon) is all about transforming your mindset.

To make it even more interesting, the eclipse is at its maximum in Danang (city close to Hoi An) on 26-05-2021 (9) at 18:18 (9) and my life path number in numerology, guess what (?!), is a 9!!! Hahaha, so I know a little bit about what the number 9 represents, but I thought I’d try and find a nice little description for you…RABBIT HOLE!!!!

Number 9 is the number of Universal love, eternity, faith, Universal Spiritual Laws, the concept of karma, spiritual enlightenment, spiritual awakening, service to humanity, humanitarianism and the humanitarian, lightworking and lightworkers, leading by positive example, philanthropy and the philanthropist, charity, self-sacrifice, selflessness, destiny, life purpose and soul mission, generosity, a higher perspective, romance, inner-strength, public relations, responsibility, intuition, strength of character. 

The number 9 also resonates with learning to say ‘No’, creative abilities, sensitivity, loyalty, generalist, discretion, brilliance, problem-solving, inner-wisdom, self-love, freedom, popularity, high ideals, tolerance, humility, altruism and benevolence, empathy, non-conformity, artistic genius, an expansive viewpoint, eccentricity, communication, influence, perfection, magnetism, understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and sympathy, the visionary, duty and calling, obligation, mysticism, optimism, and Divine wisdom.

The qualities of the number 9 are those of leadership, the ability to see clearly, integration, the three worlds – physical, intellectual, spirituality, last symbol before return to unity, ability to understand, inborn talents, compulsions, introspection, personal integrity, unity, truth, the Seer, artistry, high moral sense, good advisor, perfection, concord, dissolves ego attachments, challenges faced in looking for your own wisdom.

That’s just the entrance to the rabbit hole ;), I’ll let you research it further on your own if you’re interested… I think it’s about time to wrap things up. I actually didn’t write this one out on paper first, just started typing, and here it is. Bit fried now, and the sun is starting to invade my balcony, so I think it’s time for me to get my ass to the beach for the breeze and a dip in the sea. 😉 Anyway, I’m not reading this over again, so I hope it makes some sense to you guys… Let me know!

Love

Magic Monday Memories 2-11-’20

10 months & 2 days is how long I’ve been in this magical town on this magical date and what a magical time it has been! Sure, there have been some bumps in the road, but what you focus on grows…so let me focus on the positive. Let’s acknowledge & own my continued (spiritual) badassery!

As you know, I’ve set up my personal coaching & healing business a while ago, but the Universe has a plan for me, a plan that evidently didn’t involve it taking off straight away… And yes, that did bum me out, but there’s no use in trying to swim upstream, so I tried to surrender to the flow of the river and just see where it would take me. The first destination was creation or rather, creative expression, designing clothes that would help women feel more empowered. Which in turn led to someone reaching out to me for personal styling, basically combining my coaching & healing skills with my eye for shape, color & texture, and my designing skills! The Universe is magical and we are part of it, so have faith, surrender to the flow and it will take you on a magical ride!

I’m so grateful for all that has manifested so far and for all the amazing & supportive souls I’ve connected with! I feel divinely blessed with this abundance and I can’t wait to see what’s around the next bend!

Surrender to what is

Let go of what was

And have faith in what will be

A year ago I was letting go, saying goodbye to my old life and now I’ve not only shed that cocoon (spiritually & physically), but I’ve started to spread my wings & show off their splendor, preparing to take flight.

The butterfly can only be beautiful, because the caterpillar is brave…

With love

Lucky 24-6-’20

Today someone told me I was lucky. I was telling her the cancer story and that was her response. And she is absolutely right! Immediately after I made the link with this post I put up on my socials this morning:

This might sound ridiculous to some of you, you may even think I’ve lost my mind, but it isn’t & I haven’t. I AM grateful & I AM lucky to have had all these experiences! First of all, it puts me in a unique position as a coach/healer. I’m able to help people with similar experiences better because I truly understand them. I’m not just applying what I’ve learned during my studies & training, I’ve been there, I can genuinely empathize! And secondly, as I’ve written in the post, you have the power to make every day a good day. Even when it’s ‘bad’. I’ve said this before, but I can’t stress it enough: when you change the way you look at the world, the world around you changes. When you start to look at ‘bad’ experiences as opportunities to learn & grow from, they will become your fertilizer, your tools, or the mud from which your lotus grows. It is honestly all about your mindset.

You have to become aware of the fact that things ebb & flow in life, there are cycles, seasons in our lives. I still have shit coming up every once in a while for me to deal with, that’s just the way it is. That’s when I need to take a self-care time-out, go inside and sit with it, allow it, accept it, love myself a little (or a lot) more and once I’ve given it enough time, space & attention it will be ready to be let go of. Sometimes though, the ego-self (You remember ? The one that likes things to stay the way they are, that fears change & growth…) acts up (And/or the planets, when half of them decide to be in retrograde at the same time…), you’re blocked, listless, numb, frustrated, but can’t put a finger on what’s wrong exactly. And that’s what was going on with me from May to the first part of June.

May actually started out great. I had a very inspiring conversation at a birthday party on the 1st, I was positively buzzing when I came home that night. I made & launched the IG & FB pages for Radiantly Reborn that first week and then….nothing. I felt numb, insecure, vulnerable in crowds…my inspiration & creative flow gone like the well had dried up overnight. (Not entirely true in hindsight.) Fortunately, the Universe didn’t leave me hanging for I ran into my friend, the same one I’d had the inspiring conversation with on the 1st, at a community fair hosted by a beach club on the 30th. We arranged to meet for lunch that Friday, which again proved to be very inspirational & enlightening and prompted my friend to suggest doing a healing session the next day.

It turned out to be a very intense 3,5(!!) hours. There was a lot of forgiving (of myself & others), clearing & healing to be done… So much, that it took me almost a week and a half to start feeling more empowered like I wasn’t just breaking down these old, tattered, restrictive walls that weren’t serving me anymore, but finally also started building something new. Building this light, big & airy house with lots of windows in a style that represented my true self, decorating it with all my gifts & talents and the limitless possibilities. One of the things my friend advised was for me to pick up boxing again, it is the perfect way for me to release energy & I feel more empowered when I do. And she was right on the money with that one! Yoga is nice & I love dancing, both great ways to stay in shape, but they just don’t have the same effect on me that a boxing workout does. Probably, no, definitely, because I was never able to fight back. Just like the fact I was never really able to make myself be seen & heard is the reason why writing & my newest project are the perfect ways to express myself…

Another thing we talked about was making Renate Reborn and/or Radiantly Reborn a brand, design clothing, jewelry… and I lit up at that first one. As you know I used to work at a ladies’ clothing & shoe store, but what you don’t know is that I’ve always been very particular about the clothes I wear. I used to drive my mom crazy when I was a kid AND I’ve also been ‘designing’ clothes from a young age. At home after school or when I was bored in class in high school, I’d either be drawing eyes or clothes… I actually thought of this as a future career opportunity before I came here, to Hoi An, basically the tailor capital of the world. Because, although there are tailors abound, most of them offer the same, run-of-the-mill, options. Anyway, the designs would tie in beautifully with Radiantly Reborn. Just like my coaching/healing would help women embrace their feminine essence and feel more empowered & confident, so would my designs. After the healing my friend gave me a sketchbook, I bought pencils and have been designing ever since. Now all I have to do is figure out how to make a cooperation with one of the tailors work and I can start having samples made.

While I was still feeling the after-effects of the healing session I just surrendered to what the flow was at that point, not doing much besides yoga, meditation, reading & spending time in the pool. The book I’m (still) reading is one from Renate Reborn’s Recommendations: Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. I can’t sing its praises enough! It gives the reader such amazing insights on the female essence, on how we’ve lost touch with it over time and fortunately also on how to reconnect with it, how to embody Wild Woman again so we can thrive. (If this made you laugh or frown, please just read the book!) What I’m trying to say is that I was actually reading about my own situation. About how we need to honor our cycles, whether it’s in its creative phase or in its resting/imagining/exploring phase.

There is a ladder

The ladder is always there

hanging innocently

close down the side of the schooner…

I go down…

I came down to explore the wreck…

I came to see the damage that was done

and the treasures that prevail…

Diving into the wreck by Adrienne Rich

Exactly what I was talking about at the beginning of this post…the treasures found in the wreck. And since I was lucky enough to have had quite a lot of wrecks in my past, my treasure chest runneth over so to speak. So please take the time to connect with your soul, your essence & your intuition. Learn to say no with love, learn to choose your own needs over another’s without guilt or shame. Everybody wins when we honor ourselves, our creativity & our cycles. You can’t pour from an empty cup after all… And also, please don’t try to go it alone all the time! There are people out there that can be La que sabe (the one who knows) for you like my friend was/is for me. There is no shame in that. On the contrary, it’s the best thing you can do! When you get stuck physically you’d get someone to help you get unstuck, right?! I rest my case…

In conclusion, I’m one lucky & grateful bi…uhh. Female dog? No, I’m one lucky & grateful woman to have had all these experiences, to therefore be able to help & inspire so many others and to now continue on this great adventure. Learning how to use all my treasures, growing & evolving along the way, becoming all that I can be.

With love.

Surviving Covid after cancer 2-4-’20

My mom keeps saying: “Be careful & stay safe because you’re still vulnerable you know…”. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. It’s been 2 years & 3 months since my last treatment, I’m taking good care of myself and I’m in a country that is doing so well, especially when you consider they have a pretty porous border with China. At this moment they have 227 cases & still 0 deaths in a country with over 96 million people… To compare, The Netherlands with only 17 million people have a total number of 13614 cases & 1173 deaths. I’m so much saver here!

Anyway, I personally don’t feel more vulnerable, I actually just feel better suited or prepared to handle the situation. To some of you that might sound like a weird statement, but let me explain. I almost died, because my immune system was shot to hell by the burnout, HPV, allergies & on top of that chemoradiation treatment. I survived because I made sure I ‘ate’ right, drank enough water (even though eating (having protein & calorie enriched drinks) and drinking put me in agony most of the time), exercised as far as I was able to in that state and took care of my inner being by writing & meditation. So all this made me respond to the virus with a clear head. I did not panic, I was pragmatic. Washing my hands more frequently, wearing my mask in public, not going out much (especially in the past couple of weeks, eating healthy, started doing yoga daily, added a daily online dance class and of course meditating & writing are things I’ve never stopped doing, so I’m good.

This does not mean that the current situation doesn’t affect me at all. Of course, it does. I may not panic, I may be able to ignore all the fear-mongering & I may be able not to allow myself (most of the time) to be triggered by all the self-righteous idiots & ignorant muppets out there, but I’m still a human being and we all need connection. I know we can connect digitally with our friends & family, but I’m talking about physical, energetical connection, I’m talking about hugs. I love hugging people and touching them when I speak to them. Hugging is such a great way to communicate and it’s so good for us! If you want to know all the benefits just Google it. Right now I’m suffering from skin hunger and all I can do about it is allow it, accept it and try to find other ways to fulfill that need. The yoga & dancing helps, but I also moisturize my body every day, I hug myself, I cuddle with my friend’s cats (I’m house & cat sitting) and my monkey. No, I don’t have a pet monkey, I have a stuffed toy I cuddle with, there I said it.

Another thing I struggled with a couple of weeks ago was protecting myself from the anxious energy that was present, so this isolation is actually good for me, haha! All kidding aside: when you can’t go outside, go inside. Take this opportunity to review your life. Is your job bringing you fulfillment? What are your core values and are you applying them in all areas of your life? I had to get cancer on top of burnout to finally really wake the fuck up and start living my dream and I don’t wish that upon anyone, so please make the best of this situation! If you can’t hug someone else, hug yourself. Take care of your body, your mind & your soul. Read, write, draw, cook, do yoga, bake, paint, play board games, clear out your closet, learn a new language, make music, watch stand-up comedy, sing, etcetera, etcetera…Get those juices flowing! Just be creative, express yourself, have a laugh! ( I put some links on the Renatereborn’s recommendations page if you want to go check them out) To get back on topic: I got this! And if you take care of your mind, body & soul you can say the same thing! May all be happy, may all be healthy, may all be at peace!

With love, Renate.

Goodmorning Vietnam! 13-1-’20

I know I keep saying this, but I am sorry it took me so long to post something new here… It’s just that it has been quite a ride these past few months, so much to do in preparation for my move here, the start of my new life. But I’m here now and it’s time to tell you all about what brought me here. I might repeat things I wrote in earlier posts & in The story so far, but I don’t think you guys’ll mind, right?!

Now where to begin? I guess I should start in July 2016, when I was burned out. I was a mess, home from work, having a hard time accepting the situation. I felt adrift, somehow not able to grab hold of the wheel. Did get some help straight away, because I was fed up with the way I had, apparently, half-assed it up to then, so I decided there & then that I was going to do it right this time. It’s not that I didn’t deal with any of my traumas before, but there were still some things I needed to address, especially what all that shit had done to me as a person. I didn’t have a clue who I was/am, what would give me fulfillment in life… Eventually, I tried to get back to work, first just a couple of hours a day for a couple of days a week, and slowly expand. But by that time it had become crystal clear to me that that environment was toxic for me & getting worse by the minute. It didn’t matter how much I tried to change, people were still expecting the same behavior from me, so it was a constant struggle. And I simply didn’t know where to get the strength & energy from to keep going.

Meanwhile, the relationship with my mom had become really strenuous. On January 4th ’17 we had another fight and I just couldn’t take it anymore, I knew something had to change. It was so intense, it kinda felt like an out-of-body experience, like maybe my higher self was speaking to me, guiding me to take a different route to force the change both me & my mom needed so badly. Unfortunately, change like that doesn’t come easy and I kinda knew that it meant that it was going to get ugly. I had to say things I knew were going to hurt her, not a word was a lie, but hurting her like that broke my heart in a million pieces. The thing is, I know exactly where she’s coming from, she has had such a rough life and just doesn’t seem to able to really deal with it. I tried for many years to get her to seek help, a couple of times I was successful, but unfortunately, her experience with those healthcare professionals was not a success to say the least. Anyway, I decided to leave before things got out of hand, but it was too late. I already had my hand on the doorknob when she felt the need to try and, for lack of a better word, manipulate me…

But this time when she said, for the umpteenth time, “It would be better if I were dead, then at least I wouldn’t be a burden to you anymore.” I replied with: “Quit saying that! You don’t hear me say that I shouldn’t have been born?!?!” As you can see, I didn’t actually say that I shouldn’t have been born, but that is what she heard… Mom: “That’s not fair, we really wanted you!! That’s so cold!” Me: “And what you said is fair?!” So she started crying and walked over to stand by the window with her back turned. I can’t remember every word she said, but she was really guilt-tripping me and since that is what her mom always used to do to her, I said (still out of body experience, like it wasn’t even me saying it): “If you only knew how much alike to your mom you are right now.” And that did it. “Out!! Get out!! You are such a bitch!! Leave!!”

So I left, I was only two steps out the door when I started crying uncontrollably. This was it, I knew I was going to have to stand my ground, but at the same time, I love that woman so much and I was worried about her. I decided to go to her neighbor across the street to explain what had happened & ask her to keep an eye on my mom for me. The next day I wrote a six-page letter. My attempt to get through to her, get the message across that I understand where she’s coming from, but also try to make her see me and make her understand that we can’t go on like this. I wanted her to know that I’m not trying to point the finger at her, or anyone for that matter, it’s of no consequence who’s fault it is in the end, it’s all about it being our own personal responsibility to deal with our shit. I mean, I did feel rejected by her, because of some of her actions in the past, but I know she was doing the best she knew how to, due to her traumas & programming. But just like she wasn’t able to hear what I was saying during our fight, she wasn’t able to read what I actually wrote either.

So you see that by that time I was in desperate need of a break, some time & space to figure things out. And what better way to get to know yourself than to go to a place where nobody knows you?! Now for where to do that… I knew from the start it had to be somewhere in Asia, but where? Bali was great, but I wasn’t quite convinced. Sri Lanka was gorgeous, but it had been 18 years since I was there and I wouldn’t have a clue what place would suit my needs. And then Vietnam came to mind, Hoi An, in particular, it had such a serene vibe when I was there in ’09. That was it. I booked myself a premium economy flight because flying coach on such a long flight is bad enough under normal circumstances, but when burned out it would be a special kind of hell. I picked out a nice double room with a double bed & a balcony in a hostel near old town (World Heritage site) that has those quintessential yellow walls & dark wooden shutters and it had a pool as well. I loved it! It was an absolute match made in heaven! Met loads of lovely people during those three weeks and frankly, I felt at home in Hoi An. I know I was ‘on holiday’, but it was so much more than just that holiday feeling, I was just meant to be there. And that’s how the plan started to hatch.

When I came back I was on cloud nine, feeling like I could take on the world! A friend I made in my last year at primary school reminded me of something I had forgotten; even when I was just ten years old I had already told her that I wouldn’t live in The Netherlands my entire life. All I knew was, that for the past ten years or so I’d been saying that if it wasn’t for my mother I’d move abroad. But as you all know now, not my mother nor anyone else was in a position to hold me back anymore. I’d vowed to myself it was time to live my own life. No longer would I dim my light for anyone or make decisions based on what it would mean for other people, discarding what it would mean for me. At first, it was a long-term plan. I had already planned to go back to school and become a haptotherapist, so I was going to make sure I was able to work full-time, get a different job, combine that with school, and after that, I would save up some money & go. But the universe had other plans for me… First came the assessment you get after a year on sick leave. It was such a blessing because the situation at work had become frankly unbearable and the man doing the assessment had only talked to me for like ten minutes when he said: “What are you still doing there? You’ve been fighting your entire life, struggling. It’s time for you to stop that.”. So I informed him of my plan, said that I needed to be able to work full-time in order for me to switch jobs, but that for now the bills still had to be paid and there was no one else around but me. His response: “But if we could make some financial arrangements that would hold you over for a few months you would leave, right?!”. Me: “As soon as possible!”. And he made it happen, I didn’t have to go back to work & I would receive enough money to be able to recuperate & find another job. But while I was waiting on the paperwork to arrive so I could sign them, I started to notice more pain on the left side of my tongue. Before it had only hurt with certain foodstuffs, but now I was experiencing pain there all the time, and two nights before the papers arrived (last Thursday night of August 2017) the pain became unbearable & spread to my jaw, neck & ear. The next day I did some research and came to the conclusion I had tongue cancer.

The rest of this part of the story you’ve already been able to read in other posts or The story so far, so I won’t repeat myself. Anyway, even though this shit was seriously fucked up, every time something else bad came up I kinda just yelled “plot twist!” and kept on going. By that time I was meditating regularly, doing yoga, I’d been writing in my journal from the start, I was going to my haptotherapist on a regular basis, I was serious about this transformation, this rebirth. I think you can safely say that the whole cancer thing just strengthened my resolve. No matter what happened, it was a lesson to be learned and I wasn’t going to let anything keep me from following my heart & move to Hoi An! It’s been a wild ride as you know and actually preparing for the move was really intense & definitely took a lot out of me, but I’m so happy to finally be here! It’s still a bit unreal to think that this is my home now, but then again it’s only been two weeks so I’m still settling in. Oh, and the whole thing was off to such a crazy start…

I was meeting some friends at this beach club to celebrate New Year’s there and while I was waiting for them, like 15 to 30 minutes in, this girl that was helping out there for the night approached me and she was like: “Since you plan to stay here, you’ll be needing a job. How would you feel about working here?”‘. Crazy, right?! So I met with the manager and had an interview with him a couple of days later, barely recovered from a three-week lack of sleep, jetlag & the hangover from New Year’s, and got to do a trial run that Monday & Tuesday. It was great, but it wasn’t the right fit. That, combined with the fact that so many people wanted to meet up with me & take me places, I didn’t really get a chance to process. But I’m getting there now… Had the most amazing massage on Saturday at Citrus Spa http://www.citrusspahoian.com/ , had a solo beach day on Sunday and now I’m at Voi’s Kitchen & Bar https://vois-kitchen-bar.business.site/ writing this post. Oh, and I did put a job search post on the expat Facebook page & one of my friends who used to work at this more upscale beach club when she lived here made some introductions with her old boss, so I’ll be meeting with him when he comes back from Australia. Loads of people are actually keeping an eye out for me, it’s going to work out great, I’m sure of it!

I forgot to mention the medium/healer I was seeing back home. When we were talking about me moving here one time and about how much it felt like home, she got a message from her guides that I had actually lived here several times before. Which was a confirmation of what I had already sensed myself. One of those times was around 1374 and I got to live to be a very old lady who was still walking with a straight back, which is actually a pretty amazing thing around these parts especially in those days. Anyway, there’s definitely a soul connection here. By the way, as I mentioned, I’m at Voi’s Kitchen & Bar right now and I already thought it was a wonderful place, because of the delicious drinks & food and the lovely staff & owners, but just now they were celebrating a staff member’s birthday so I congratulated him, as one does, and he just came over to give me a slice of his birthday cake… So sweet! You just gotta love this town! Most people are just so friggin’ friendly. I didn’t mention it before, but the lady who owns Citrus Spa actually said she would keep her eye out for a job & an apartment for me as well! That’s wonderful, right?! The way I’ve been welcomed by this town is just amazing. It lets me know I’m in the right place, I’m home…

With love from Hoi An

Why me?! 2-8-’19

The other day I came across a post from a fellow cancer survivor & speaker/writer about the ‘why me’ response to a diagnosis or any other type of setback in life. And it made me think about the subject (again) & about addressing it here, which had crossed my mind a couple of times before, so here goes….

Even though I’m definitely a flawed human being, just like the rest of you, I never asked myself that question. No matter what happened, no matter how bad it got, I never asked that question. I would just ask why, period. Why would someone do a horrible thing to someone else or why do people get burnout or cancer? I just don’t think of myself as more or less deserving than anyone else. Shit happens, deal with it…

Globally 1 in 5 men & 1 in 6 women will suffer from some form of cancer in their lifetime and 1 in 8 & 1 in 11 respectively will die from cancer. Those are the cold hard facts of the matter. And what about the rise in the number of people with burnout (symptoms) or dementia? And what about the fact that in all 3 groups mentioned above the average age is going down further as the years progress?! It’s a sign of the times if you ask me. More & more studies show that lots of the so-called progress we made these last few centuries constitute our own death warrants. Every advantage has a disadvantage, to speak with Cruyff’s words (again). Lots of things just weren’t meant to be fixed or improved. Society evolved so fast, but our bodies couldn’t keep up & still haven’t adjusted to this day. Our bodies (& Mother Earth) are going on strike, our bodies (& Mother Earth) are revolting at the way we & the earth are being governed. Mother Nature knows best, let it take its course.

Yes, we get old. And yes, we die. All of us need to come to terms with that fact and try to live our lives with the grace of acceptance. What we are doing now is putting our heads in the sand, keeping ourselves busy & distracted, while thinking up (artificial) ways to stay young & healthy and to live longer & longer. But are we truly enjoying that life?! Most of us aren’t in my humble opinion. Because we all need to work our asses off to provide for ourselves & the children we’re ‘supposed’ to ‘have’, to pay insurance for our stuff & our health, to have obligatory fun on our treasured weekends & holidays we look forward to, but can’t really enjoy, because along the way we forgot how to really relax & feel the need to do stuff so we can tell our ‘friends’ & share pictures & videos to prove just how much fun we had…

I could go on for days about this, but let me just get down to the nitty-gritty for your sakes. We as a people have been conditioned & programmed over the centuries in a way that is harmful to ourselves & the earth we live on and I do think it’s beginning to dawn upon more & more people lately. We need to un-condition & deprogram so we can recondition & reprogram ourselves. Start asking why instead of why me. Take your responsibility as a world citizen, an inhabitant of this earth. We seem to keep forgetting, that with rights also come responsibilities… Question everything & look at the bigger picture. We weren’t built for a 40+ hour work week, we weren’t built for the overload of external (artificial) stimuli in our society, we weren’t built for artificial foods, beverages & medicine. The time has come to take a few steps back, to take the pressure off ourselves & Mother Earth. We only have one life as far as we ‘know’ & so does she.

So back to the reason behind these ramblings: Why me? Again, scratch the me. Why? Because we need to wake up, rub the sand/sleep out of our eyes & see, really see. See the bigger picture & recognize our responsibility, our role in it, learn & do better. The answers are found in what has been with us from the beginning, ourselves (our souls) & Mother Nature. we don’t have to think up the answers or invent & artificially create things to make things better. The answers are already there. Not outside, not in our future, but inside us & nature, just be quiet, be still and listen…

I alone cannot change society for the better. But I can radically transform my own consciousness, overturning the conditioning that limits my potential. We can all do this, one by one and over time we can change ourselves to the degree that society changes from the inside out. Giving birth to a new way of being. Manifesting our birthright of living in a peaceful & abundant world.

With love

Freedom of the press 23-7-’19

I am the scriptwriter! I write my own story, I’m in charge of what I put out there & in me, my head, my heart, my soul. They are my most loyal audience after all…

As per usual, a lot has happened since I last checked in here. Positive things & some disruptive things as well, to be honest. An, emotionally challenging, encounter with a loved one & a painful, swollen lymph node on my stomach… luckily it was caused by constipation (don’t you just love the side effects of cancer treatment) rather than metastases, just to name a few. But somehow I really didn’t feel like writing about it and I still don’t. I didn’t even write about some of it in my journal.

Simultaneously, I was very aware of the fact that I was having a really hard time dealing with negativity, victimhood & my own shadows concerning these themes. I just wanted to invest my time & energy in positive things & I wanted the rest of the world, or at the very least the people I know, to do the same. It just felt like poisoning. Whether it was me talking about something negative or a friend of mine speaking on an issue from a negative standpoint, we were poisoning ourselves. What you focus on grows, right?! So focus on & invest in the solution instead of pointing out the (obvious) problem!

So what to do about my negative self-talk, the restrictions I really only put upon myself…? I still speak from my old story, the book I let other people write because I didn’t know any better at the time. Just consider the impact the first 7 years of my life (when our subconscious is being programmed by our surroundings https://youtu.be/OqLT_CNTNYA) on the rest of my life… Up to now, that is! Because I am the scriptwriter! I am the one who decides how the story goes from now on!

Last Wednesday, during the Summer festival organized around the International 4-day marches here in Nijmegen, I was at a bar and I ran into someone who I had met a few weeks earlier for the first time. He was already pretty intoxicated & I must admit I had a buzz going myself by that time, so forgive me for the creative/alcoholic liberties I take in recounting the conversation we had. I’m not sure how we landed on the subject, but he started talking about a remark I had made the first time we met, about having a speech impediment. I ended up kinda summarizing my post from March 19th. And the guy was so matter-of-fact & down to earth about me being a beautiful & desirable woman and that any man would jump at a connection (of any kind) with me, no matter my so-called “limitations”. I know, it’s no news to me. but somehow it really hit home. I don’t know what it was. His choice of words? His voice? His energy? Perfect timing? Anyway, message received! I should just stop thinking about it, myself, like that! Thank you!

On this journey of personal/spiritual growth, one of the frequently proffered vehicles is the advice to not compare yourself with others. Another is to live life in the present moment. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is never promised, all you got is today, the now! Of course, my past is important, but only as a means of education. I can learn from it, grow from it & use that knowledge & wisdom to help other souls. And besides not comparing myself to others, I should only compare myself with my past self to see how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown, instead of what I’ve lost. There is simply no use. Change the things you cannot accept & accept the things you cannot change…

What I can change is my inner dialogue & the way I speak to myself. And since I’m always listening, I should change the story I tell about myself or at the very least the way I tell it. It doesn’t really matter what kind of shit happened in my childhood, it doesn’t really matter I had cancer not 2 years ago. What matters is how I handled it, the steps I made to get on the life path I was meant for, how far I’ve come already. Because I indoctrinate myself anyway, I better do it consciously & positively, rather than subconsciously & negatively.

What also matters are the ripples, the butterfly effect seems more appropriate in this case, eventhough I’m still in my cocoon and therefore haven’t flapped my wings yet… Sharing my metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly might not have caused a tornado or even changed it’s path, but it has touched & affected many souls and you never know how that will affect their lives & the lives of the people around them… A couple of months ago I decided to make screenshots of the feedback I (had, so far) got(ten) on Insight Timer, because I kept falling back into self doubt & insecurity and I wanted to be to be able to remind myself what my blog means to people. And I was overwhelmed, still…or again, by the gratitude & appreciation expressed by those readers for the inspiration & motivation they derived from my blog.

So, when I say I’m going to change my story, this does not mean I’m going to deny where I came from or that I won’t answer questions about all that happened openly & honestly anymore. But it does mean I’ve entered a new stage in my life. A stage where I double down on my growth, so to speak. I’m going to have to make a conscious & dedicated effort each & every new day to make steps towards my goals. It’s quite hard for me to stay motivated & stick to a schedule for myself, but that’s where discipline comes in, I guess. Or maybe just a “don’t think, just act” attitude. It’s really simple if you think about it, or in this case don’t think about it, haha! Act on sheer determination to get where you wanna go, silence all those procrastination-inducing little demons on your shoulders and get out of bed, make a plan & stick to it! It took me some time to get there, which is fine by the way, I assume it was necessary. Besides, I know what I can accomplish in a short amount of time if I put my mind to it. All I have to do is think about all those essays I wrote in the midnight hours before a deadline that got 9s and 9½s, sometimes without even having read the entire novel or poem…I do pretty well under pressure, hahaha!!

On the subject of taking steps: – I started a combination of two courses, stress counseling & holistic massage, making me a relaxation therapist when I’m finished (first diploma already in the pocket) – I attended Google workshops on SEO, personal branding & online marketing in May – I designed my business cards, had them printed with some of my qualities since I’m not in business as such (yet) & linked it to my site through adding the Who am I-page & have been handing them out here & there – I’m still boxing as well I should just go ahead and say it, right?! Positive indoctrination and all… I’m proud of myself!!

So, you can see I’ve been taking some steps already! Busy selling my stuff too. Got the ok from the professor, so no point in delaying. He even said I shouldn’t go out of my way to have my checkups with a specialist once I’m gone. Since it’s just feeling & looking, he’s convinced I’m capable enough myself. And if I’m at all worried, I can always facetime him. Not sure what else to write, really. Feeling positive about my future, more confident about myself & my abilities, my power, and happy. Happy to be alive & to be able to notice & enjoy all the beauty in the world & to connect with beautiful souls like you! On that note: Please do not hesitate to leave a comment or a question here or on IG! I really love to connect with you on a more interactive level!

Much love, gratitude & appreciation, Renate

I did it! My new website is officially online! 18-5-’19

That’s all really… I’m spent, but I just wanted to make it official. Really proud of myself & grateful I have the qualities needed to accomplish it all! See you soon for an actual update!

When you light a candle, you also cast a shadow 19-3-’19

Some of you are already aware that I’m in a bit of a funk. It’s been going on for about 3 weeks now and I guess it’s time I wrote about it. Writing that sentence actually made me wonder whether or not I’ve written in my notebook/journal since I got into this funk. Turns out I have and I feel like I should share it with you. When I wrote this it was kinda like the pen took over; call it intuitive writing, call it channeling, or don’t feel the need to label it at all… So in the spirit of #keepingitreal & ‘vulnerability equals strength’ here goes; (in the words of the great Erykah Badu) just keep in mind that I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit…

3-3-’19 3 pm I know it’s been ages. But I guess I just really felt the need to put my thoughts on paper today. At this moment, anyway. Having a rough time at the moment. Probably being tested. It’s just that the other tests didn’t get me at my core or something like that. These last days I’ve just felt off, crying a lot, tired, grumpy; it’s like all my bodies are participating. Mentally I feel off, physically, emotionally & spiritually as well. Right before I started writing, this thought occurred to me that I lack courage at the moment, courage & trust.

The courage to stand up for what I believe in. The courage to stand up for myself & my dreams. The trust that the universe has got my back on this, wants me to do all this. The trust that this is my purpose, my way to serve mankind as best as I can, using my experiences. The trust in my own capabilities, talents, intuition, intelligence. It’s the same ol’ same ol’, knowing it, but not feeling it, not living it. still letting that shitty little ego of mine be heard and giving it the power to lead me astray.

So it’s scary. So what?! So other people are still living a fear-based life with a lack mentality and aren’t able to motivate & support you. So what?! You almost died!! You haven’t lived YOUR life up until recently! Fear doesn’t have any power over you unless you give into it. Look at it as excitement, the promise of something great on the horizon! And you know full well to which people to listen & to which you should not. You know it’s got nothing to do with their (lack of) trust in you. THEY live in fear, THEY have a lack mentality; which is sad, but not YOUR problem!!

You have proven that you don’t NEED anybody. All you need in life you already have! YOU can give yourself the love you missed from other people. YOU can give yourself the motivation & inspiration others aren’t able to. This is it, honey… THIS is why you were put on this earth at this moment in time. To learn/remember as a human being that you don’t need anyone or anything because we already possess all we need because all is one! And you, my dear, have to really learn to embody this, because it is your calling to help others remember & realize their worth, their being, their truth, their core, their essence!

So it’s time to snap out of that lethargy. Let the emotions flow out of you. Feel the feelings, accept, surrender & let them go. They no longer serve you as such. Just learn the lesson & move on, move on up your path! You got this! You are a fierce queen, a goddess, a priestess, a magician, a mother to all creatures! You are a wise one, be done with the self-doubt, it’s not yours! (it’s Surely the Ego Lying to you Fearfully) You are love, you are healing, you are compassion, you are faith, you are kindness, you are trust, you are courage!

Face Everything And Rise like the phoenix you know you are! You were named Renate for a reason, even Michaelina & Margaretha are quite apt. This is your path, be reborn, be the warrior angel to triumph over dark to let it be transformed into light. Ok. I believe this is what I was meant to write. Feel a bit better now & I really have to pee!

A nice pep talk, right?! Unfortunately it didn’t have the desired effect. NO shortcuts allowed, apparently. “Knowing it, but not feeling it, not living it.”, I wrote and there’s the crux. Lately, I’ve been thinking about all the things I didn’t share about the tumor terror & all its lingering and/or lasting side effects. I had & shared my reasons, but maybe it’s about time to bare my soul, maybe in doing so it’ll become easier to bear. To share it all in one post would be too much, but let me just start by giving you some insight into my current funk & its theme.

Now, let’s talk about MY tongue. My tongue was invaded by a 4 by 2cm tumor, which was removed with a minimal margin of 0.6cm. I think it’s safe to say I lost about half my tongue. I also lost 2 of the 6 major salivary glands & 2 of the remaining were affected by radiation. Yes, they did reconstruct my tongue, but that was with a piece of flesh taken from my forearm. It is not a muscle, it does not have working nerves & has no tastebuds. It might have had roughly the same size, but not the same volume, and wasn’t just attached to my tongue, but also to the bottom of my mouth.

Unfortunately, they also had to pull the remainder of the tip of my tongue to the left and attach it to the new tissue, thus shortening my, already mobilly-challenged, tongue. Now, for the effects on its functionality… Swallowing takes more effort, dry and/or sticky food represents a real challenge. Speaking properly also takes more effort, just from a phonetic point of view, but also because my remaining salivary glands sometimes fall short & sometimes overcompensate. The left side of my tongue continuously tingles like I just burned it, because of the damage to my nerves and this influences my tasting experience. My ability to taste is a fickle mistress nowadays. I can’t quite succeed in licking my lips or removing ‘leftovers’ from between my teeth, especially my front teeth and I can’t stick out my tongue more than a couple of millimeters.

After/while reading this, some of you might’ve thought of another function of the tongue I haven’t mentioned yet. And that’s actually the function I’ve been preoccupied with thinking about most these past weeks. I’ve always enjoyed expressing myself & my feelings in a physical way, through dancing & hugging for instance and when it comes to my sexuality things are no different. I like to touch, stroke, caress, hug, massage, fuck & also kiss & suck dick. And now…

Sure, I still have a great set of lips & I haven’t had my whole tongue removed. Basically, all I need to do is find a guy with a Gene Simmons-type tongue (for those oblivious to what that means, Google the band Kiss and you’ll get the picture) and all will be well. Well. no. My (former) tongue skills are a part of me, of how I express my sexual identity. And the simple fact that I’m robbed of the ability to even initiate a French kiss is extremely hard to swallow for me (pun unintentional). It just really hits home. I keep thinking about this great guy & me, about 20 years ago. The way we’d lose ourselves in each other, kissing at the bus stop. I can’t count the times I had to run after the (last) bus, hoping it would stop, because we hadn’t heard or seen it coming.

This shit is definitely gonna cramp my style, the way it affects my flirting/seducing game… Bye, bye, spontaneity! Every time I see a kiss in the near future, I’m going to have to share this shit. Cancer is already quite the buzzkill in day-to-day conversation, I think I’m safe in assuming it won’t exactly be mood-enhancing when it comes to these situations… Fingers crossed the next one’s a keeper! So, there you have it. Feeling raw & vulnerable, because I’m grieving over the loss of my tongue wrestling skills.

Doesn’t that sound like a great time to undergo a hysteroscopy to remove your IUD (Mirena) to you?! It wasn’t. First things first, I had to go to the gynecologist about a month ago for a checkup smear test, to see if the second procedure to remove HPV-infected cells, had done its job. It had, but since I was already there and wanted to get rid of my IUD, I told the gyno to pull the damn thing out if he saw the cord. He did not & I was hurting. Turns out, the 2 procedures I told you about, had caused loads of scar tissue to form, which made the smear test painful for me & the IUD not visible to him. Since I was concerned the blasted thing had gone off & hidden someplace it’s not supposed to, the gyno used the ultrasound device (or dildo, whatever you prefer, it sure looks like one) to locate it. Last time, my IUD had been playing hide & seek and it had been a very painful undertaking to get it out. Was I glad to hear (& see) it was in the right place!

I’m usually not an idiot, so besides the recommended 1000mg paracetamol, I had also taken some Ibuprofen before the hysteroscopy, because I had a feeling I’d be needing it. I did and then some… After a while, they decided to use some local anesthetic, but to no avail. It still hurt like hell and they kept asking me if they should stop, but I really just wanted to get it over & done with. I know this might sound like I’m wallowing in victimhood, but it’s my party & I cry if I want to! I am so done with all the F-ing trauma drama! I know my body & I are probably able to cope with a lot more, but I’m done! I don’t want any more trauma! Not if it’s at all avoidable, anyway. But they stopped… They decided they had been hurting me too much already and they weren’t near enough to removing that curse of a thing yet, so they quit.

Damn it!! That hurt more than the pain did. I was crying like a little girl. I don’t want another operation, I don’t want another general anesthetic! The thing is, I don’t have a choice. Again… It’s a good thing I had a boxing class the next morning, although my uterus decided to disagree with me fervently afterward. Let’s just say that the extra punch in my punches had to be paid for with terrible cramps that afternoon. Next time I would like her to speak up a bit sooner, so I can act accordingly… Better late than never, I guess. Anyway, she’s still no happy camper, she’s as eager as I am to get that foreign object out of her, but we’re going to have to wait until April 9th.

On a happier note: I love the boxing classes; a great group of people, educational & great activity! Oh, I lost some weight too, btw. That’s it for now, latersss peeps!

Self confidence, self discipline & self compassion… 1-2-’19

So, as my FB & IG friends/followers know, my checkup went well and it was possible to cut the attachment, which was done on January 4th. Unfortunately, it’s been cold of late, which has never really gone down well with this body of mine, but that has definitely gotten worse. That piece of arm they put in my mouth just contracts like my bum used to do whenever my mom wanted to take my temperature as a little kid… So I really can’t comment on the effects of the procedure; besides it can also become stiff again due to scar tissue. I do feel like it’s a little bit better, but it is what it is…

Remember me telling you about this motivational boxing course I couldn’t attend because of the HBOT? Well, there’s another course starting next Wednesday, so I’ll be kicking some ass (or rather a punching bag) after all! And a week later, on the 15th, it’s time for another first: a professional photoshoot! Nope, sorry! Not my first paid assignment, but a shoot for the casting agency’s database, since the pics I sent weren’t to their specs. What took me so long, you ask? Well, it wasn’t all me. There’s the holiday season, there’s the agency’s response time…, but I must admit I didn’t follow up on my registration with a call or a mail either. And the reason for that was: I had a job! Yep! Just a seasonal one, but still. I was so done with sitting at home, feeling like my being, my self, my role here on this earth was still reduced to that of patient. So I thought I’d just help out at my old employer (the perfumerie I worked at for 6 years in my twenties) as a gift wrapper. Of course, I ended up not just wrapping gifts, but also behind the register, as a hostess at the entrance, advising people on fragrances & skincare, and last but not least as a makeup artist applying & advising makeup products. And if I’d been able to, I could’ve worked double the hours. Let’s just say they were happy to have me, haha. The first couple of times it took me a lot of time to recover, but that got better over time and it did give me lots of positive energy as well. I felt useful, finally! I got to use different parts of my brain, my body, my persona, I got to connect with people as the new & improved me…I loved it!

I still made a bit of a scary decision. I decided to focus on building my new site, actively pursuing getting more followers & hopefully monetizing my blog. Help?! Working in retail again was great, but it made clear to me that it would be incredibly hard to find a position in retail, or hospitality (I worked in a restaurant for a combined total of 9 years) for that matter, that would feel right, resonate with me. I always wanted to help people, but I never really found the right fit. In the last couple of years, there’ve been several people who told me my job didn’t exist yet, that I would create a new occupation using my gifts & talents, and my experiences regarding being a child from a broken home; BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder(not to be confused with BDP, Boogie Down Productions); NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder; sexual & psychological abuse, Alzheimer’s disease; burnout & cancer. I dislike the word coach in this case, but I would love to help people help themselves (the definition of any therapy, essentially), to guide them through hard times and help them discover their innate strength & light. What I would love even more is to offer that help, that guidance for a reasonable fee & for free for those who can’t afford it at all.

However, I’m getting ahead of myself. The crux at this moment is definitely deciding which is better at what time: self-discipline or self-compassion…? And isn’t one the other at some moments?? Is it sometimes just my self-confidence wavering under the influence of that stubborn ass ego of mine?? Bear with me, please. Building websites is not second nature to me, so it’ll take some time. If you’re not following me on Instagram, please do so, so you can stay up to date on new developments & blog posts. HTTP://instagram.com/renatereborn

Is that all for now? I always end up writing way more than I intended to, ha! Not that I don’t forget to mention stuff as well… Ahh, there’s one more date to mention. The 25th to be precise, the date of my next checkup. Really got to get started on dinner now, ciao!

Keep on keepin’ on 15-11-’18

Hi everyone! Don’t worry, the radio silence had nothing to do with things we don’t even wanna think about… It was just that, while I started exercising more, it was like I kept running into walls that hadn’t been there before. So I ended up a complete mess, sobbing in the fetal position on my yoga mat, for what felt like at least an hour. I felt cheated, betrayed (yet again) by my body…I mean, how is it possible that back in spring I had workouts of an hour and a half and now my body felt like it would break into a thousand pieces or, maybe more, like my muscles weren’t listening to me… Ah, that was the right description apparently. Tears started to well up, so yeah. I think I spoke before about seeing the burnout & cancer as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to be reborn and this was just another part of the curriculum.

I believe it was the end of August or the beginning of September when I visited my cancer compadre I had shared a room within the hospital when I got my 5th (and turned out to be final) round of chemo; when she told me she had just finished a series of hyperbaric oxygen therapy sessions (HBOT is a treatment which enhances the body’s natural healing process by inhalation of 100% oxygen in a pressurized chamber and has been found beneficial to late radiation damage of the tissue.), which had greatly improved her situation. She was able to put her hand above her head instead of just level with her shoulder and was experiencing a lot less pain. At first, I thought my issues weren’t serious enough… I know, I really should stop thinking like that. Working on it with my favorite mantra at the moment: ‘I deserve, I allow, I receive abundance in all areas of my life’. But after my breakdown, I talked to her some more, did some research online, and decided to give it a try. It doesn’t have any (lasting) negative side effects & every little bit helps, right?! I’m simply too young to just accept that this is it for me.

So, not long after, I went to Arnhem (there are only 7 locations for HBOT in the Netherlands) to assess whether I was eligible for the therapy, whether it would be beneficial in my case. Fortunately, it was, but the doctor did say that the tingling in my tongue was probably caused by the damage done to my nerves during surgery as opposed to edema pressing on the nerves. And in that case, the therapy would not be able to eliminate the problem. But nothing ventured, nothing gained! Just a mere 2 days later I joined a man & 3 women in the last session of the day. I was a little bit anxious because of my ears, I’ve had lots of ear infections as a child and I’ve been known to arrive at my holiday destination crying from the pain in my ears caused by the plane’s descent. But it went well, except for the journey to the hospital in Arnhem. Due to bad planning by the taxi company I arrived too late, but luckily there was a sluice attached to the tank, so I was able to catch up to the pressure the others were already under at my own pace and join them in the tank for the remainder of the session. It wasn’t always smooth sailing though, twice I actually wasn’t able to clear my ears, the right one just wouldn’t pop open and I had to head back home. And I must say it’s quite an ordeal. Waiting for a cab to pick you up; hoping you’ll arrive in time; not being able to wear any skincare, makeup, deodorant, or hair products; having to wear clothes that are at least 65% cotton and definitely no nylons, linen, wool or jewelry with stones in them, nor a watch. Hoping the pressure buildup will go swimmingly (pun intended) to 2½ Bar; having an oxygen mask on your face for 4 periods of 20 minutes, broken up by breaks of 5 minutes each, while your heart is pumping your blood through your body at a rate 6 to 10 times faster than usual. Only to come out of the tank almost 2 hours later, having to wait for your cab and enduring the busy traffic on your way back home. And doing that every workday for a total of 40 sessions (in my case)…

Don’t get me wrong, I knew it wouldn’t be a walk in the park. I realized I was about to invest 2 months of my life in my health, my recovery, my quality of life. I just had to bear it, after all, it was for a good cause. And because the therapy would take up a lot of my time & energy, I considered it an opportunity to focus on taking care of myself, my body, my psyche, my soul… Anyway, it was exhausting & frustrating, but I think overall I handled it pretty well, kept my zen-like posture most of the time and it was definitely worth it. Nope, sorry! That does not mean I’m finally relieved of that incessant, obnoxious tingling sensation in my tongue, but there are other improvements to be thankful for. Remember me telling you about the left side of my jaw still being numb & stiff? Well, that has improved considerably and, nowadays, when I tilt my head back or to the right (besides going a lot more smoothly) it doesn’t feel like my tongue is being pulled back into my throat! Another thing I’m grateful for is the group of women I shared most of my time in the tank with, the Tankgirls. We had so much fun together and supported, comforted & motivated each other when one of us was having a difficult time. It was a real blessing to have these incredibly strong, brave & sweet women beside me!

It’s mid-November when I write this, I finished HBOT yesterday, so it’s time for the next phase! I already told you what that’ll entail, but there’s a new development. When one of the Tankgirls (she reminds me of an old neighbor I called & considered grandma, back in my hometown) saw some pictures of me, she asked me if I’d ever considered becoming a model. And of course, my old limiting beliefs took over immediately and I answered that although she wasn’t the first one to think I should, I felt like I wouldn’t fit in, that the vibe that prevails in the business would drain me in no time, and besides that, there’s the thought: “Who am I to step into the limelight?”. Feeling like you’re not seen, heard, or understood for most of your life, makes putting yourself out there as a blogger or a model extra challenging, Again & again you’re confronted with your false self, your ego, wanting things to stay the way they are. Afraid of the unknown, it would rather have you live a drab, uninspired, boring & unfulfilled life; one where you don’t go through your emotions to leave them behind and grow to your full potential and shine your light on the people around you, but keep fighting with your true self essentially. The status quo, even though it’s made up of struggle & pain, is familiar… But she wouldn’t give up and said that things weren’t as dire in plus-size modeling.

Without any (conscious) ulterior motive I recounted the story to my reintegration counselor, only to discover that she totally, 100% agreed with my fellow diving diva. You should’ve seen her face! “What a great idea! Why shouldn’t you?! You know I love the picture on your resume and you’ve got such a beautiful radiance about you! Wouldn’t it be an ‘easy’ way to earn some money for your move to Vietnam?” At the time she had another job opportunity for me so we focused on that, but when 2 weeks later I got word that I wasn’t invited for an interview, she said: “I guess your assignment for next time will be registering at a modeling agency!”. Help!? My mom reminded me that when I was young I was always experimenting with makeup & hairstyles, playing dress-up & pretend to model. So why not give it a go, she asked. Well, because I’m used to dimming my light for people who can’t seem to handle it (and because my childhood trauma made me feel like I wasn’t worth very much, but we covered that already)… But that’s their problem, it should show them they’ve got issues with their own light. There is something else though. My body isn’t what I would like it to be… And on the one hand, I’m ok with it, I mean cancer got in the way, but on the other hand, it’s not a body (a look, I should say) I love putting in the spotlights. I am proud of myself & my body for getting through all the hardship and for their ability to heal, but I feel I look a lot better at 80kg/176lbs instead of at the 115(?)kg/253lbs it is now. And I know lots of people won’t believe it, just like they don’t believe I’m a mere 1m72/5″7, but it doesn’t change the naked truth.

Nevertheless, I swore to myself I would straighten everything out for good this time around and go for the total rebirth (not to be confused with total recall, because there are still some disturbing memories neatly repressed, unfortunately) and rebirth is a messy & painful process after all… So I decided to give my ego/false self the finger, yet again, and register anyway! I feel scroud (felt in need of a new word), scared & proud at the same time. Scared, because I still haven’t found a way to shut my ego up completely, but proud of myself for saying ‘fuck it’ and taking a leap anyway!

I guess that’s about it for now… Oh, before I forget! December 3rd is my next checkup and I’ll be asking the professor if it’s possible to cut one of the attachments of my tongue, so I’ll gain some more mobility. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please?! And thank you for all of your support from all over the world!! I’m grateful & humbled by your kind words I receive here & via Insight Timer! Later peeps!

Rebirth in progress 1-8-’18

It’s been over 10 months since surgery and almost 8 months since treatment ended. Yes, I know it has also been quite a while since I last shared my thoughts, feelings, or any information whatsoever about my recovery here… The oncological rehabilitation program ended June 26th, which I first thought would be the right moment to write again, but I just didn’t feel like it, to be honest. It was a bit of a weird time, what with the program ending, me in a lot of pain because of a cranky sciatic nerve, and all the hassle with my job & applying for benefits keeping me busy.

But today I’m in a good place! I just had one of my bi-monthly checkups and everything looked & felt great according to the professor; last week I got my frames (giving me a nice toothy smile again); I had my first meeting with my new reintegration counselor, which went well, and both physically & mentally I’ve taken great strides. Yep, a happy, proud & grateful person speaking here!!

Please allow me to elaborate…: as I told you last time, I wasn’t really looking forward to the rehab-program, but knew it would be good for me. Even if it was just to get some momentum, some forward motion, doing more to speed up my recovery (Yes, I’m aware I have some patience issues, they are quite persistent.) and to share & compare with cancer-compadres. And I was right (Uhm, when am I not right, right?! My intuition is one of my superpowers after all.), it was good for me for all of those reasons, although it did have some negative aspects for me as well. The pain from my sciatic nerve? Caused/prompted by the way the sports/fitness portion of the program was set up. It focused on strength, cardio & getting to know your (new) body through using it in different ways. But unfortunately, it didn’t do much, if anything at all, for your core muscles. Ipso facto: sciatic nerve pain. I wasn’t the only one from the group suffering from it either, but when I broached the subject at the final evaluation, they said it was the first time they’d heard it… Anyway, I’m not allowing myself to get worked up over it, I just decided to tell the different medical professionals I saw today about my experience (different hospital) and let it be.

The second thing that didn’t quite work for me was the occupational therapy and the therapist even less so. She apparently felt incredibly insecure (which can happen to the best of us; in itself no problem at all) and unfortunately her energy hit me like a ton of bricks & I just couldn’t cope with it. So I explained to her the next time I saw her and told her I didn’t want to attend any longer. Moreover because she wanted us to grade our activities according to energy spent or gained, so we could avoid overspending (and therefore extreme exhaustion) in future. And yes, I know I can be a strong-willed smartass & an annoying know-it-all, but WT actual F?!?! Just to give you an idea of what that would entail, just from the top of my head I can think of, at the very least, 5 ways I can take a shower: 1 a lather & rinse; 2 a lather & rinse + scrub; 3 a lather & rinse + minor landscaping activities (shaving my pits); 4 a lather & rinse + washing my (enormous volume of) hair; 5 a lather & rinse + major landscaping activities (you get the gist, right?!). Her reply: “You would have to grade them all separately.”I’m sorry, but I wasn’t planning on spending every hour of every day grading my activities. This would have to be done almost continuously because as our energy levels & strength improve, the grades would have to be adjusted accordingly… I’m sure it works for some people, but I’m definitely not one of them. Anyway, she had the balls to tell me SHE had felt I had trouble with her energy and to try to convince me I was the perfect candidate for what she was trying to teach! Of course, I was already balling my eyes out by then. As some of you know, I do not take decisions like this lightly; I’m not a quitter and have actually had the tendency to solely listen to others instead of myself, my own body & soul. So, coming to this resolve was already hard enough as it was (and frankly something to be commended instead of berated for). And while one of my compadres did accept my choice after I told her this, the therapist never really did. Water under the bridge though.

In other/better news: last Wednesday I got my beautiful frames! And even though I’m still getting used to them, they’ve already done so much for me! (As I write this ‘I found my smile again’ by D’Angelo is coming from my speakers!) It’s easier to eat/chew and because of that it feels less like a chore and my tongue gets ‘forced’ into action in more & different ways which has already improved its mobility! Another weird & wonderful thing: during the first supper (see what I did there) I felt some pain/discomfort, like something cutting into me, on the lower left side of my mouth. “That’s not wonderful at all!”, I can hear you think, but it is! At first, I thought the frame must be cutting into my gums since the left side of my tongue shouldn’t be able to feel anything, but it wasn’t. It was MOS DEF my tongue, hurting itself on a sharp edge I later verified with my finger. If my body is able to pull these amazing recovery stunts at this stage, the level of recovery I dream of might yet be attainable!! Like I said: “Happy, proud & grateful person speaking here!”.

The right side of my jaw has gone back to normal as well, now it’s just the left side that’s still numb & a bit stiff, but I guess it should be able to join his twin on the other/bright side (Uhh, who else is hearing The Doors with ‘Break on through to the other side’ and/or Monty Python’s Life of Brian’s ‘Always look on the bright side of life’?) before the end of next year, right?! Ok, I’ll try to wrap things up now… Really grateful for all the positive changes in my life & convinced there’s still so much more coming my way. And now we’re on the subject, I should acknowledge my hard work to make those changes possible and/or make them, period. Here’s the proud part. I’ve written in my diary regularly, worked on my book, lived more mindfully, meditated more, started the Google Analytics course for beginners, started learning Vietnamese, sold my DVD collection & approximately 60 of my books (it’s a start, just about 2 or 3 times as much left), suffice to say I’m definitely doing my part. Feeling good about working with my new career counselor as well. We clicked and one of the services she provides is a motivational boxing course using both kickboxing & regular boxing techniques to help people reconnect with their inner strength. This lady’s going to be kicking some ass soon! Just kidding! First of all, I think I’ll do fine without those techniques (just in case some idiot gets the urge to try me beforehand) & second of all there’s the fact that I still prefer a non-violent way of life (love & peace and all that). But it’s a good way to release some of that pent-up anger, frustration & such (my old colleagues will remember me wanting to put up a punching bag in the storeroom to avoid ending up actually punching ridiculously difficult customers).

Am I forgetting anything? Yeah, I’d like to take this opportunity to express my joy & gratitude for the new connections I’ve made these past months, be they through the Insight Timer-app, the rehab-program, or through amazing friends ( I’ve made) in Hoi An, I feel blessed!!! We’ve got this saying in Dutch: life starts at 40; although I won’t reach that age for another 14 months or so, I do feel like that’s what I’m working up to. ‘Rebirthing/renaitre’ (See what I; Renate; did there?!) into my best self, living my purpose & starting a new life off in the peaceful meeting place (the actual meaning of the name) Hoi An! Actually tearing up while I’m writing this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still that happy, proud & grateful person! It just feels like not just a new chapter, but a whole new damn book (I say, while I just told you I’m writing my first one. (Sorry, but I crack myself up sometimes!))!! And, right now, I can’t think of a better place to open that book, than in Hoi An, with its beautiful people, mouthwatering foods, cà phê sua da (The best iced-coffee you’ll ever taste and who needs energy drinks when there’s Vietnamese coffee?!!!), vibrant colors & lovely vibe; with which she bewitched me, enthralled me, seduced me and is beckoning & luring me back (home)… Wow, that shut me up for a couple of minutes…and that’s what I’ll close with. Hen gap lai!

Working on my recovery 20-3-’18

Just had my second checkup today and according to the professor, everything looks & feels fine. He was also pleasantly surprised by my speech, although he did notice I deliberately slowed it down to make it easier for me to articulate well. I can start working with the dentist on having a full set of teeth again in about 2 months’ time, which is at least a month sooner than usual. There is still some stiffness in the treated area, but that just means there is some more mobility to be gained for my tongue when that subsides.

I must admit that I too am pleasantly surprised (and definitely relieved) by the amount of progress I’ve been making lately, even though it took long enough to get going if you ask me. I really notice the improvement in quality of speech & mobility of my tongue since I’ve been going to speech therapy and I’ve only been there twice so far. That gives a girl some hope for the future!

I’m also starting a special rehabilitation program next week. It’s specially developed for cancer patients and consists of cardio- and weight-training, team sports & group-therapy. So from the 26th of March until the 26th of June, I’ll be busy for at least 3 days a week. Yes, I said busy. Because, although I might look like the old me (when I cover up my scars), I am nowhere near the old me yet, nor will I ever be the old me ever again…

Since I’m not in survival mode anymore, all the emotions linked to this situation were able to arise and there was nowhere to hide. Not that you should hide from them, but there were little to no chances to come up for air during this tsunami and there were times I was afraid I would drown & thought I would have to give up my plans for the future. It’s hard to convey the level of vulnerability you experience, what it feels like to have lost all confidence in your body or how it turns your whole life into one big question mark. To what level will I regain my sense of taste? Will I ever be able to lick my lips again? Will my memory recover to its old standard? Will my ability to focus improve? How soon will my energy increase and to what level? Will I be able to kiss as well as I used to? Not to mention the ever lingering fear of recurrence. A permanent shadow, hiding in a corner where no ray of sunshine can ever fully reach…

But I do feel stronger. I’ve been able to somehow pull some more strength out of I don’t know where… I guess since this F-ing cancer didn’t kill me, I might as well make sure it makes me stronger and that something good comes out of all this shit! I think knowing this program and the speech therapy would be beneficial for me & acting on that knowledge even though I didn’t feel like going at all, created forward motion & made room for positive energy to start flowing despite the remaining limitations.

Anyway, that’s where it’s at with me at the moment. You guys are all caught up again! Hen gap lai! (See you later! Just practicing my Vietnamese.)

Has anyone invented a time machine yet? 20-1-’18

Yeah, I know…. It’s been about 2 months since you last heard from me. But don’t worry, I’ll catch you up. I left you wondering whether or not the doctors would release me from the hospital the next day. They did, but they’d decided that for the next round of chemo they would admit me so they could keep a closer eye on me. I was fine with it; preferred it actually, because I could just feel that my body had had enough of all these toxins and that the next reaction would just be worse than the first.

So there I was; my bag packed for a couple of days; walking into the hospital room I would at the very least be spending 1 night in and 1 of the 2 beds was already occupied. But after the usual introductions, my roommate & I soon found out we were a perfect match. Although victim to a different type of cancer; breast cancer to be precise; she & I were like peas in a pod. Laughing our asses off through the pain. Giving each other a shoulder to cry on or a sorely needed hug… We didn’t need a lot of words to communicate. But as I had expected the symptoms I had the week before returned around about the same time, despite the extra drugs they had given me to try and prevent a reaction. Ok, the fever was suppressed, but every other symptom got worse. I got some more pills, was put on oxygen, and was feeling absolutely miserable, looking like a lobster from my eyes down to my chest & back with some extra spots on my stomach & legs.

The next couple of days the symptoms slowly disappeared, but the ‘normal’ side effects of the chemical & nuclear warfare waged on my body got worse & worse. So I got more & more morphine & other drugs to help deal with the pain & nausea. Besides having the best roommate ever there was another positive to this experience. On Tuesday my oncologist did some intensive research on my particular case and came to the conclusion that the 5 rounds of chemo I’d had should be enough so she decided not to go through with rounds 6 & 7 because it could lead to a life-threatening situation. I was so relieved, I could just feel my body getting weaker & weaker and I still had a ways to go with the radiation therapy.

Again they sent me home on Thursday, this time with a bag full of drugs… But even all those drugs & upping my morphine (Fentanyl) to the max couldn’t prevent me from losing my battle with food eventually. It had already gotten to the point where everything I did consume was fluids. The protein & calory enriched drinks & shakes were all I could handle for a while until even that became near impossible. I’d lost my sense of taste, felt nauseated & just didn’t feel like eating or drinking at all. It became such a fight; I was up at 3:30 am, crying, just to get that shit in me. And on the last day of radiation, I simply didn’t have enough energy left to put up that fight any longer. So on Wednesday the 6th of December, my last day of treatment, I caved & asked for a stomach tube. The 1 thing I’d really wanted to avoid. But I would just have to deal because I need my protein & calories to get through this fucked up shit.

I ended up having that tube stuck in my nose, throat & stomach until the 28th of December. I was so glad to get rid of it & start working on my recovery, but alas… I got some kind of stomach bug and wasn’t able to hold anything down for a couple of days, not even water for a while. This really set me back a couple of weeks, I was completely drained of energy, was back to square one with my food issues & even my speech has gotten worse, I’m lisping quite frequently again. To be fair, I am done with all the drugs, except paracetamol; I just couldn’t wait to get rid of all that junk in my system & all the nasty side effects they represented. I’m still frustrated though…

I don’t know, it’s just really hard to stay patient. To stay patient waiting for your tongue to heal, so you can handle more spices & textures. Waiting for your mucous membranes & (remaining) salivary glands to heal, so your mouth will be properly lubricated, making tasting & transporting food easier. And last, but not least, waiting for your tastebuds to heal so water will finally taste like water again.

I’m taking walks now. First time I just went down to the ground floor of my building and back up to my floor (UK 3th/US 4th) again. The second day I walked around the building and every day I add a little more distance. That actually feels pretty good, expanding my world again, regaining my autonomy little by very little. I’m just sick of feeling like a patient, so my recovery can’t go fast enough for me. I want to get started on my new life, taking steps to improve myself and research, plan & prepare for my big move. I know I won’t be making that big move this year, don’t worry. But I would love to make it next year, so I’m going to do everything I can do this year in preparation for that. That’s it for now. Latersss!

Bad reaction 15-11-’17

Got to know some new parts of the hospital these last few days… Last Monday I had a reaction to the chemotherapy. Around 13:30 I started to feel tingling & pinpricks in the area of my body that’s getting radiation treatment. When I went to the bathroom I saw that the area was also inflamed. The nurses checked with the doctor, gave me some medication, and kept me a little longer. Things seemed to get better, so they let me go with some more meds for when things would worsen again and the advice to call the ward when that happened. Unfortunately, it did…

The tingling & pinpricks returned & spread beyond the radiation area and so did the inflammation. Took my temperature at 21:30 and again at 22:00 when I was on the phone with the hospital and it had gone up from 38.1/100.58 to 38.5/ 101.3 in just that half hour. After conferring with the doctor I was told to wait another hour for the meds to kick in and call if they hadn’t or if my temperature went up.

They hadn’t & it did. My lobster look had spread up to my eyes and down my chest & my back as well, my fever had gone up to 38.9/102.02 and I was really short of breath. This time they told me to come to the ER. Once there they took my temperature (39.3/102.74), blood, urine, a cardiogram & a chest x-ray and I got some antibiotics & prednisone to try and give me some relief. Fortunately, my breathing got better and the cardiogram & chest x-ray looked fine, but since they still didn’t know what was wrong with me they decided to admit me to keep me under observation.

So, here I am. In a hospital bed getting regular checkups. They even took more blood from me yesterday; apparently, they’re having real trouble figuring out what went wrong. Which I can understand btw. This was my 4th chemo and up until the day before yesterday, it had gone fine. Or rather, I hadn’t had any reaction remotely similar to this, just the ‘normal’ side effects. Curious to find out if they have some more information for me today.

Yesterday the doctors told me that today they would decide how long they plan to keep me here for, but they thought I would probably be released tomorrow morning. At least the symptoms have gotten better. My skin still looks a bit red, but I woke up yesterday with the fever gone and a lot of the inflammation has gone as well. The splitting headache I got left with got better that afternoon and now I’m still not feeling super, but definitely a lot better than I did.

Doctor just came by. Nothing special to be found in either my blood or my urine so far. So, unless anything changes, I’m going home tomorrow. Talk to you later!

#daretoask 11-11-’17

Yep. Your eyes are not deceiving you; I used a #. This isn’t just anything I’m about to do.

Ever since treatment started I’ve been constantly thinking about what I need & what’s right for me. I knew it would be important for me to retain as much autonomy as possible with these ever-changing circumstances stripping it away piece by piece, but these last few days made it clear to me that I need something from you.

I might be a strong woman, but that doesn’t mean it comes easy or that this Supergirl isn’t battling her way through it each & every day. My world has become pretty small and will only become smaller as the therapy progresses & the side effects get worse. So what I need is contact & support, big hugs, my back being stroked (literally having my back), a sympathetic ear and maybe just to shoot the breeze with you. What I would like is for you guys to visit me. Just ½ an hour to an hour to have a chat & a hug will do me a world of good.

Anyone who wants to join project: “Help Renate through the winter” (it sounds better in Dutch) can pm me on Facebook or reach me through Whatsapp.

Ups & downs 4-11-’17

I know it’s been a while… And the thing is it actually feels like even longer to me, like a month or so. I wish! If that were true, I’d only have 2½ weeks to go instead of 4½.

Had a lot of ups & downs since I last wrote; feeling invincible one day & defeated the next. Been having some trouble with nausea, trying to find the right medication to control it, but during that time every meal is a struggle. In the meantime, the tastebuds on the tip of my tongue have definitely given up and my pesky gag-reflex is having a field day. I don’t think I’ve really broached the subject before, but ever since surgery, my gag-reflex has been hypersensitive & a real issue. I almost woke up gagging, because my trachea tube apparently wasn’t put in entirely straight… After that my stomach tube became a problem, or at least passing food or medicine through it did! So you can imagine my elation when I finally got rid of it! Unfortunately, it didn’t last long, because it turned out I still had a dissolvable stitch way back in the left side of my tongue which took over the part of torturer. This week, however, I found out it’s gone and was replaced with a substitute tormentor…the new tissue on my tongue. It has decided to form a bit of a bulge on the back end, which presses against the tissue behind my teeth and triggers my gag-reflex…

On the upside: I had a good evening Saturday! Had a friend over for dinner and ate chicken wings & seasoned baby potatoes (which was something I hadn’t tried yet since surgery) and I actually enjoyed the first half of the meal! Monday went well too as some of you may have witnessed on Facebook. But after that, it went downhill…even the thought of food, let alone eating it, started to nauseate me, so much so, that I cried over my lovely scrambled eggs Thursday. I just couldn’t eat them. I felt so frustrated & tired. Luckily every doctor & nurse is still very much on top of things, so after having tried a higher dosage of the old drugs, I got something new yesterday which kinda suppresses the symptoms. It feels better. I also got told by the nurse yesterday, that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself (sounds familiar, doesn’t it?!) and just make choices. She says, that as long as I get enough protein through my shakes & drinks and get my fibers & vitamins from my fruit intake, I shouldn’t worry about greens or calories. Pheww, that IS a relief. And that’s the end of week 2, laterss guys!

Next phase 24-10-’17

It has begun… Yesterday I had my first chemo & radiation. It was a long day, had to be at the hospital at 7:45 so they could draw & test my blood, followed by an appointment with the oncologist. Then chemo from 9 to 15, after that a visit to the nurse who treats my wounds and last, but not least, radiation at 16:20. The problem was that, although I’d already left loads of fluids in the toilet, I’d still gained 5½lbs/2½kg so I was pretty bloated and therefore the radiation mask fit a lot more snuggly than I would’ve liked… It felt so freaking tight that it was really hard to bear, especially on my throat. And if that wasn’t enough, I also had a dry mouth which is not a comfortable sensation at all when you’re lying there with your mouth spread wide open by the mouthguard that’s also pushing your tongue down…

So at first, it was just a bit too much to bear and I had a bit of a cry, calmed down, got my breathing under control, and after that it was ok, so to speak… When I finally got home at about 17:15/17:30 I was beat. Felt exhausted, bloated, had a headache & my stomach & intestines weren’t too happy about it all either. Feeling similar today. Had my radiation this morning, did some groceries after, but after that, I haven’t left the couch much. Anyway, you guys are up to date again, bye!

Vitamin D 18-10-’17

Mmm, loving the sunshine! Does me a world of good. I must say I am feeling a lot better than the last time I was on here. Saw my therapist Friday and she helped me see myself through her eyes and helped me to remember my inherent strength.

It’s so annoying the way life’s able to screw you up so much you forget who you are essentially… I don’t have a predisposition to depression fortunately and it was actually the time when I thought I was depressed, that first revealed the extent of my tenacity in the face of psychological hardship.

It was during the Christmas break 1991 when basically all I did was sit, curled up in an armchair beside the tree, and stare into the Christmas lights. Barely eating, drinking, or speaking, with tears streaming down my cheeks silently every now & again…

My father was the culprit. I had sent him a letter telling him I didn’t want to see him anymore. His response, like any good narcissistic borderliner, was a rant about his innocence. Trying to convince me that what my mother had supposedly told me wasn’t how things had happened & giving his account of ‘the incident’. The problem was, I did not know about ‘the incident’ with our sitter to begin with because my mother took great care not to say anything about him that he would consider to be slander. I mean, the only reason I found out that he had molested my sister more than 12 years ago at the time, was because I demanded she’d tell me what the secret was she & my sister kept whispering about.

Of course, I couldn’t let it slide. I hate injustice and I just couldn’t stand the tone he used, so I replied. I replied by telling him what I just told you and by saying he’d shot himself in the foot with this letter. As I now know, my attempts to get through to him were a complete waste of time & energy and only made things worse. Were you to read any of his letters to me you’d think they were letters from one, very pissed off, adult, to another. Certainly not from a father to his 12-year-old daughter. And it resulted in my near-catatonic state…

That was until one night in bed I had some kind of breakthrough. I wasn’t gonna let that SOB F-ing break me!!! Who the hell does he think he is talking to me like that?! Treating me like I’m some kind of fool!? That was the turning point. I got help and got through it all. Same thing goes for the last year and a half. It got bad, really bad, at times, but I wasn’t gonna let it break me. And therefore this will not break me!! I will hurt, I will get scared, I will cry, but I will not despair!!

I will trust myself & my gut to lead me through this and I hope you all do too. I will do this my way. This means I will need my me-time & it also means I’m still me. I am not my cancer, I don’t want you to stop talking about your own worries, illnesses, etcetera. I don’t want you to stop complaining about trivialities. And I do want to keep chatting & laughing, maybe going to the movies or having a drink or taking a walk together. Life goes on… And I’m still dreaming & making plans for the future, even more so than before, XO

Ego vs true self 10-10-’17

I’m scared. I know it’s my ego playing tricks on me, but still… Having 33 radiotherapy & 7 chemotherapy sessions in the course of 6.5 weeks, while still in the process of healing from 2 surgeries undergone a month ago, seems like some mad kind of torture.

I know it’s important to start the treatment as soon as possible because it will improve the chances of eradicating the cancer completely and I also know I have the strength to get through this, but it feels like I have to drag that strength up from my toes lately. Like it’s some sort of test almost. This whole ordeal triggered the old fight/flight/freeze response big time, unfortunately, but at the same time understandably. It feels like I’m being assaulted, attacked, abused, cheated, restrained & oppressed by my own body ánd every measure that has to be taken to fix that treacherous vessel.

I’m having a hard time centering & relaxing, because of the almost constant hypervigilance of my body & mind. And again, it’s understandable, but I’m going to need to be my zen-like self if I wanna get through this next phase with a bit more ease than I would in this state of being. (I will spare you all the possible side effects of the treatment for now and save them for when I actually suffer from them because you just can’t predict how I’ll react to the therapy.)

Anyway, I’ll be starting the chemoradiotherapy on Monday 23 October and if all goes well, the last chemo will be Monday 4 December & the last radiotherapy session will be Wednesday 6 December. Last Monday I got fitted my radiotherapy mask & such and saw the oncologist & radiologist, so everything is taken care of.

Now, to make sure I feel like Supergirl in 2 weeks I’ll try to meditate for about 30 minutes twice a day and try to make an appointment with my therapist. Writing this is also beneficial, of course! You’re all up to date again, ciao!

Actual sigh of relief 6-10-’17

Pheww dodged a bullet there!!! You guessed it: I don’t have to undergo surgery for the third time!!! So now I can solely focus on healing & getting stronger for the next phase.

I have to tell you that however lovely & indulgent it might’ve sounded to some; eating 2500 calories a day including 100g/3.53oz of protein in reality is truly more like a day job. A day job you have about as much fun doing as a blind person playing twister… You just don’t have time to develop an appetite or a craving, you’re really just eating to meet requirements. Forcing yourself… I know it’s for a good cause, it tires me out big time though. I still have to deal with restrictions as well, like my food has to be a thick liquid, mashed or soft & not sticky and the left side of my tongue constantly feels like I just burned it drinking tea or something… As you might understand after reading this, I rarely enjoy my food these days. Who would’ve thought I would ever have trouble eating, right?!

I just got off the phone with the dietician and she said I’m doing well; taking my time in the kitchen to make tasty dishes & smoothies for myself. But that’s about the only way to make it somewhat bearable. I decided I’m going to buy myself some casein protein powder to make things easier for myself, so I don’t have to spend most of my time either preparing or eating meals. That way I can do some more meditating, go out for longer walks, visit friends & generally relax a bit more. Because I’ll be having a large portion of my daily protein requirement in one go, say my morning smoothie, for instance, I don’t have to think about how much I’ve already had, how much I still need, and how I’m going to go about getting it.

The dietician had a side note though… When I start chemoradiotherapy I have to make sure I don’t use a powder that has loads of added vitamins, minerals & antioxidants, because it would counteract what the therapy is trying to do. After I’m done it’s fine & I’ll probably need it, but not during. Good to know, since I do like my anti-oxidants. So I’m off to order me some protein powder, laterss!

A careful sigh of relief 2-10-’17

Had to go for a checkup today. The doctor/surgeon really didn’t trust the new tissue and after looking at it (and smelling it) he told me that everything & everyone was already on standby for Wednesday morning… This would mean another surgery, another piece of tissue be taken from some other part of my body and again a tube to help me breathe and last, but not least, another stomach tube!!! I felt devastated, but at the same time, I couldn’t actually believe it…

He started removing the dead tissue layer and while he was doing that I heard him mumbling: “I think I might’ve spoken too soon; this actually doesn’t look that bad at all.” All I kept saying to myself was: “Don’t rejoice just yet!”

Although the aesthetics of my new tongue leave something to be desired, for now, it seems like it’s doing ok! I do have to go in for another checkup Wednesday, but if everything goes well the remaining tissue will heal and become a bit smoother, a mucous membrane will form and I won’t have to undergo surgery for the third time in as many weeks!

As the headline reads, it’s a careful sigh of relief. Seems like life keeps throwing me curveballs lately, so I’ll do a proper happy dance when this shit is all over & done with… X

Side note… 29-9-’17

I was convinced I had written I was back at home yesterday; that was until people kept asking me about it. Sorry, my head is a bit of a mess right now, as you might expect.

I came home yesterday around 5:30 pm and besides putting the laundry etc. away and displaying the cards & flowers I got from you guys, with a little help from 2 special friends, I wasn’t able to do much else than cry & sleep. Today I was on the phone with the doctor, the pharmacy & the hospital 3 times each (except for the latter), because they’d botched up some prescriptions. The homecare worker also came today to redress my trachea wound and while dealing with all that I still have to make sure I consume 100 grams /3,53oz of protein and 2500 calories a day through soft, non-sticky food and brushing my teeth & rinsing my mouth after every ‘meal’. I’m tired, so tired…it’s an F-ing day job for crying out loud!

Talk to you later!

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to… 28-9-’17

I won’t pussyfoot around: it has spread. Even though the punctures of my lymph nodes didn’t show anything to worry about during the exams, either those cells were playing hide ‘n seek or they moved as fast as an MF-ing lightning bolt. Either way, I’m not done.

I don’t really know what to say right now; I did NOT see this coming. I’m not naive, I DID keep in mind the possibility of radiation therapy because they might not have gotten everything from my tongue. But THIS is flabbergasting, dumbfounding, shocking & just F-ing unbelievable!!! Now I not only need radiation but chemo as well… I’ve got another 5 weeks before the fun starts and I’m gonna need you guys even more.

That’s it for now! X

Progress 28-9-’17

Happy birthday to me, first of all! And although this day has started out rainy outside, it’s pretty sunny in here. I just ate a jelly/jam sandwich!!!!! I had it without the crust, but that’s still quite a leap for me. And even my speech has improved further! I say we keep this trend going for today, so I’ll only get to hear good news this afternoon if/when I get the results. Laterssss!!

Patience… 27-9-’17

Ok, I have to stay another night. The top layer of the tissue sample they used for my tongue is coming off, which isn’t really a problem because the tongue would look even better without it, but they can’t properly assess what’s going on underneath… I don’t have a fever (even though I’ve been off antibiotics for days now), my vitals are perfect, the smell of decay only just occurred today and speaking & swallowing have been going great. So while there isn’t necessarily cause for alarm, they just want to give it some time before they send me home. Patience is a virtue, I know…

Latersss!

Going wireless 26-9-’17

Yesssss!!! You read it right, I’m wireless! Today I started eating/drinking custard, shakes, icecream & soups, and because I didn’t choke on anything (We could’ve predicted that, right?! I never had any issues swallowing anything before… ;p) they took out the tube half an hour ago. The dietician came by to see how things were going and she ordered me some protein enriched supplement drinks to be delivered to my home on Thursday. She can’t see any reasons for me not to be discharged tomorrow late afternoon. And one of the nurses arranged homecare for me on Thursday as well… I’m so hoping I can go home tomorrow! Only problem is I’ll be needing some help with my stuff and a ride home, so prepare to be called on. But it’s up to the doctors, we’ll have to wait & see what they have to say tomorrow…

Ciao!

Supergirl 25-9-’17

They’re out! Just one set of stitches left. And the feeding tube of course. Today I also started drinking clear liquids, which feels & tastes so good! The nurse said to me I might be leaving the hospital Wednesday if things keep going as well as they do now. I feel like kind of a superhero right now, since they told me it would be at least 10 days! And if you take into account that they operated on me twice… There’s also the fact that everybody keeps telling me that I’m so brave & strong and am doing so well.

The thing is, for most of my life, I haven’t known any better than to fight, push through, be strong & keep going no matter what life threw at me. In the past 15 months I learned that you shouldn’t be fighting, it drains you of your energy. That doesn’t mean you should give up though! Just let things flow, trust your own abilities to cope & make things better. The things that happen to you do not define you, just breathe!

This last hurdle does put a spotlight on a couple of my weaknesses: putting everyone else before myself & having trouble asking for help… So it seems I’m going full circle here! I’m going to need help ánd I’m going to have to put myself first. I do have to give myself credit for the fact that, in light of those themes, I’ve already made some huge changes in my life lately. So yes, I’m proud of myself. I’ve said it! I am Supergirl!!!

NB: I know I am a women, not a girl, but the last pair of sunglasses I bought are called Supergirl and they are fierce!

And there came the waterworks 24-9-’17

Even though I was fine yesterday morning, when I wrote about the shittiness of the situation, the waterworks came not long after… And the frustrating thing is I can’t even have a good cryfest, because that would hurt like a mofo! I know some of you are really emotional about my situation as well, so yesterday Marloes, Jose & I decided to organize an actual crying party when I’m able to ball my eyes out without it feeling like I’m ripping my own throat out.

Speaking of ripping things out, they’ll be removing most of my stitches tomorrow! Another step in the right direction. I know it’s not normal for someone my age to have this affliction, but because of my age, I heal a lot quicker, for which I’m very grateful! To speak with Cruyff’s words: every disadvantage has an advantage! Same thing goes for the fact that we all thought I’d gone through enough already especially these last 15 months…it made me strong enough to deal with this though!

Physically everything looks promising as well, but I do have to keep into account that there’s a possibility I’ll be spending my birthday here. Not that I really care. I’d rather spend 1 birthday in the hospital than having less of them all together…

Big hugs for all of you! Bye!

Victory: just one tube left!!! 23-9-’17

Wow! So relieved they removed the last drain and the IV! It enabled me to take a ‘shower’ by myself this morning. The nurse just disconnected my stomach tube, so I wouldn’t have to mess around with the IV stand in there. took a couple of walks up & down the ward yesterday, which takes up a lot of energy, but I’m just so glad to be able to muck around as I please!

The plan is to start me off with some water on Monday to see how my new tongue will react to it and whether or not I’ll be able to swallow properly. If that works they’ll put me on clear liquids on Tuesday, so water, tea, broth, and so on and so forth. They will not remove the tube or let me go home before I’m able to get the right amount of nutrients & energy from my liquid diet. I must say I’m taken care of so well by all the nurses, interns & doctors and each and every one of them is so nice to me!

I know I’ve been really positive about it all, but it really has been a bitch, people… It’s just that, if I don’t focus on the positives, I won’t be able to handle this. Besides, crying hurts like hell right now, so I’ll try to save that for later.

I’m really moved by all of the support I’ve been getting from all of you, the sweet messages every time I post something. It means a lot to me! That’ll be all from me today, laters!

Frankenstein’s monster 21-9-’17

Ok, it’s Thursday now. As I wrote yesterday, they had to operate on me twice, which was quite a setback. Today is a much better day though! They already removed my tracheotomy tube! They also removed my catheter, the drain from my arm, and one of the two drains from my throat. I’ve had a ‘shower’ this morning and am now able to go to the bathroom by myself. I can tell you this much, we definitely take moving around by ourselves & talking way too much for granted! Anyway, feeling a lot better and I hope I keep recovering at this pace so we can lose the last drain and my feeding tube as soon as possible as well… My apologies for the picture, but I thought those who are planning on visiting me would like to know what to expect. Bye for now!

Short update 20-9-’17

Just a short message for now. I’m out of surgery, twice actually… They thought the ‘new’ tissue wasn’t responding properly, so they had to go in again. Everything is ok now, despite the feeling I can’t breathe and all the tubes sticking out of me. Don’t worry though, I’m going to be fine! Laters!

The night before…17-9-’17

It’s a little after 22:30 on Sunday and I’m in a hospital bed in a private room (thank you deity). It hasn’t even been a month since I went to the doctor with my suspicions!

A couple of months ago I found two white spots on my tongue. I wasn’t concerned at all, because I know my immune system has a lot to deal with, with me having allergies, HPV, and recovering from burn-out. Sometime later I felt some pain on the left side of my tongue, the same side as the spots, and discovered a cut or groove (it’s official: I’m groovy), which has now grown to a couple of centimeters (between 1 & 1.5 inches approx.). I still wasn’t alarmed for the same reason as before, but when the pain started to increase rapidly and spread to my jaw, ear & neck I knew something was terribly wrong.

After doing some research on the 25th of August I knew I had tongue cancer. I just felt such certainty and I even felt that it hadn’t spread yet. My doctor thought it was probably a fungus wreaking havoc on my tongue. I was way too young to have this type of cancer, the average age is between 55 & 75 years old and those are mostly men as well. His disbelief evaporated like a drop of water on the surface of the sun when he looked at it…he was shocked.

The following week it felt like I spent more time at the hospital than at home; getting all kinds of tests, an X-ray, an MRI, an ultrasound of my neck, punctures of my lymph nodes, and a tissue sample was taken from my tongue. That Friday I got the results: it’s malignant (a squamous cell carcinoma of 1.57 × 0.79 inches), but it hasn’t spread.

It’s weird, almost surreal…I mean I had felt that this would be the outcome the week before, but it hadn’t quite landed yet, I guess. The week had been such a rollercoaster, I really hadn’t had time to realize what it all meant. It’s been emotional, but I’m ok. Not looking forward to the first few days after surgery, but I’ll just try to live in the moment. I think I have proven to be a strong woman, so I think I can handle this and I have faith in the professionals to do everything in their power to fix me. Everything is going to be alright!

So, tomorrow is the big day…I’ll be undergoing surgery for at least ten hours! During that time a team of surgeons will remove the tumor, some surrounding tissue, and some lymph nodes from the left side of my neck, after which they will reconstruct my tongue using tissue from my right upper arm. when it’s over they will let me sleep in the ICU until Tuesday, at which time I’ll wake up with loads of different tubes attached to me…

I’m going to call it a night now, talk to you later!

Why I decided to write this blog

I made this decision because I sometimes get tired of hearing myself tell the same shit over & over again. I need to talk about it though. And like I said when I introduced this blog to my (Facebook)friends: lots of you want to be kept in the loop and I’m grateful for your concern, empathy & support! And this way I can keep you posted without getting exasperated. killing several birds with one stone, so to speak.

Doing this in English so my foreign friends’ll be able to understand and I’m not really impressed with Google translate. So although I’ll probably make lots of mistakes, I think I’ll make a better job of it myself.

N.B.: No birds or other animals were harmed in any way during the making of this blog.